Siskel and Ebert? Rex Reed? Pauline Kael? Forget 'em. For real movie critics, we suggest the Federal Bureau of Investigation.

Consider this thoughtful review of the film "Lonesome Cowboys" by two FBI agents: "There was no plot to the film and no character development throughout. {The} film also skips from scene to scene without continuity . . . . Many of the cast portrayed their parts as if in a stupor from marijuana, drugs or alcohol."

The movie under FBI scrutiny was one of the lesser cinematic endeavors of the late pop artist Andy Warhol. The FBI was checking it for possible violation of a federal law against interstate transportation of obscene material.

In furtherance of this investigation, two G-men were assigned to preview "Lonesome Cowboys" at a midnight showing during the 1968 San Francisco International Film Festival. Exactly how the two upright, uptight FBI film critics were able to infiltrate what must have been a fairly eccentric audience in the San Francisco of that bizarre era and take notes in the dark is not revealed in the report to their late, strait-laced boss, J. Edgar Hoover.

But critique the movie they did, and our associate Stewart Harris has obtained their report from the FBI's file on Warhol, thanks to the Freedom of Information Act.

The FBI investigation was launched after the bureau's Phoenix office got a tip that Warhol and his unholy crew were making a dirty movie at the Rancho Dinda Guest Ranch in Oracle, Ariz.

Waiting until the film was completed to pounce, the FBI assigned two agents to attend the San Francisco premiere. They were obviously upset.

"All the males in the cast displayed homosexual tendencies and conducted themselves toward one another in an effeminate manner," the FBI critics reported.

They described how the cowboys in the cast exposed themselves on the screen, and recounted how the female star sat up after one particularly lewd encounter, looked at the camera and said, "Now look -- you have embarrassed those children." The baffled FBI critics added: "There were no children in the movie."

They called the film "a remotely connected series of scenes which depicted situations of sexual relationships of homosexual and heterosexual nature."

The G-men were also not impressed with Taylor Meade, one of the movie's actors who introduced it to the San Francisco film buffs.

"Meade spoke to the audience for a few minutes in a senseless monologue," they reported, "and said something about not knowing whether to put the beginning of the movie at the end or vice versa."

Unlike most film critics, the FBI pursued the moviemaker physically. The bureau established that Warhol had transported the movie from the Arizona dude ranch to New York City with a stop at Atlanta.

But the U.S. attorney in Phoenix had the final review. He concluded: "While in my opinion the movie had no redeeming value whatsoever, neither was it obscene within the definition of that word . . . by the Supreme Court of the United States . . . . Prosecution is hereby declined."