Due to a demonic postal error, I suppose, an invitation to the Devil's Thanksgiving Day dinner party arrived with a boast that the biggest turkey in Washington would be served up today.
But it is the guest list, not the menu, from which the main course will be selected.
Judging from the seating chart, picking the biggest turkey wasn't easy.
For example, facing the host will be Brady R. Scott, 33, of Southeast Washington, who lied to D.C. police two weeks ago about seeing a woman throw her baby off the John Philip Sousa Bridge into the Anacostia River, and then jump herself.
His story cost District taxpayers several hundred thousand dollars in police search time, while Brady was fined only $300 for filing a false report.
The Devil thinks this guy has potential.
Next to him is Roach Brown, the former drug abuser turned antidrug abuse advocate, who stole $45,000 from the Hillcrest Children's Center to finance his cocaine habit. The Devil is honored by his return.
Those responsible for dumping that frozen waste from an airliner into a suburban Washington home and the "computer" that miscalculated the approach of the recent snowstorm will be saluted in song by Prince George's County snow removal officials.
Invitations to the festivities will be collected by the same people who promoted the Spike Lee Halloween Party at the Pavilion at the Old Post Office. About 3,000 people, many of whom had paid $15 for tickets, were forced out of the grossly overbooked Pavilion. Those seeking refunds were asked to mail their tickets to a Howard University post office box number, presumably so promoters could stick it to them again.
That's using the old pitchfork, the Devil laughs.
A full house is expected for dinner today, but guests can rest assured that their seats have been reserved. The Ellicott City arsonists and the pyromaniac who burned down Spruce Pine Holler in West Virginia are this year's special guests along with an assortment of criminals and corrupt public officials. Arizona Gov. Evan Mecham is also invited.
Baby thieves and pregnant women who use drugs will be served through a back door.
It is also assumed that Mitch Snyder will show up. But the Devil is not expected to let him in until it is clear whether Snyder is looking to save souls or naively thinking that any old heat will do.
Service for the dinner will be provided by those 20 University of Virginia students who were paid $275 each by the Aspirin Foundation of America for catching colds. The idea was to determine if aspirin helps them get better. Only those who remain ill will handle the food.
Entertainment will be provided by Ed Meese and the Mitchell Brothers, who will perform their Abbott and Costello-style comedy skit, "Who's on Wedtech's payroll first?"
The act will be videotaped by the ABC Sports cameraman who watched an African runner approach the finish line in the New York marathon and then turned his camera away to deny everyone the thrill of victory.
So nobody needs a VCR, the Devil howls.
After Meese and the Boys comes the Beastie Boys, who struck a deal with the Devil to rip off black go-go music.
By the time they finish, District mayoral adviser Sallie Melendez should be through basking in the Orient, and ready to baste in oils that ooze from a $63,000 annual stuffing.
Directions for dinner guests are simple: Make a sharp turn at the center span of the Woodrow Wilson Bridge and take a dive.