Most of the thousands of bills that will be introduced in the next Congress won't go anywhere, fortunately!

Some will be introduced for public relations purposes or in some cases to satisfy a single constituent. The legislative proposals will range from the heavy and serious, such as national defense and the deficit, to more frivolous proposals such as making the boll weevil the national insect, or perhaps substituting happy faces for the stars on Old Glory. There is no law against members of Congress acting silly.

Some bills will be become well known, such as Gramm-Rudman-Hollings and Kemp-Roth, and associated with the members who introduce them.

With that in mind, take a look at this list of fanciful bills -- using the real last names of members of Congress. It was drawn up by a usually serious civil servant who helps his agency keep track of legislation on Capitol Hill. This year he predicts we will see proposed new laws to:

Regulate prizefighting in the United States, introduced by Rep. Gus Savage (D-Ill.) and Sen. Malcolm Wallop (R-Wyo.), thereby making it the Savage-Wallop bill.

Authorize a study of depression in members of religious orders. The Moody-Nunn bill.

Regulate the harvesting of game birds. The Quayle-Hunter bill.

Require an evaluation of the need for small change. The Penny-Nickles bill.

Authorize research to determine the most efficient method of gathering night crawler worms. The Early-Byrd bill.

Set up a study to verify the existence of the Ghost of Christmas Past. The Pryor-Specter bill.

Require an investigation of overcharging for strategic defense systems by major contractors. The Price-Swindall bill.

Establish in the National Institutes of Health a Republican Institute for Group Hug Therapy. The Armstrong-Clinger bill.

Have an impact study of the bad weather/late arrrival/early dismissal policies of the Office of Personnel Management on traffic and mass transit in the Washington area. The Snowe-DeLay bill.

Permit the waiver of bail for any bag lady arrested during demonstrations by the homeless. The Dowdy- Pickett-Bond bill.

Lower the minimum age for the Selective Service lottery to 13. The Young-Chiles-Armey bill.

Promote crop diversification. The Wheat-Fields-Broomfield- Hatfield bill.

Authorize new offshore drilling by U.S. oil companies. The Exon-Derrick bill.

Begin an investigation of the scandal in which large food processing companies conspired to control the fruit industry. The Dole-Heinz-Applegate bill.

Prohibit the use of pelts of endangered animals in wearing apparel. The Wolf-Hyde-Coats bill.

Impose an excise tax on Rolls-Royce automobiles. The Reigle-English-Carr bill.

Accelerate the increase in population of certain endangered species. The Brown-Crane-Swift-Hatch bill.

Force an investigation of French government interference with antinuclear/antiwhaling organizations. The Green-Pease bill.

Don't laugh. Some of them may become the law of the land!