A Foggy Bottom homeowner will be arrested for yelling at the heavens. He will plead justifiable shriekicide because of all those low-flying airplanes -- 20 an hour, every hour, every day.
Takoma Park, already a nuclear-free zone, will declare itself an air-pollution-free zone too.
A downtown Washington office building will actually become fully leased.
Someone will find a building in downtown Bethesda that's more than eight years old. He'll have it declared a national historic landmark.
The Marines will balance their budget by turning their famous barracks in Southeast Washington into a theme park called Drillworld.
The Southeast-Southwest Freeway will reopen in 1998 after eight years of reconstruction. Gorilla-sized potholes will appear in the new decking after 12 hours. D.C. officials will announce plans to close the road until 2009, so they can repair the repairs.
Northern Virginians will organize a huge demonstration against gridlock. They will announce plans to sit in Gov. L. Douglas Wilder's outer office forever, or until Shirley Highway is widened to 14 lanes in each direction, whichever comes first. Unfortunately, the demonstration will never happen because the participants will be caught in Shirley Highway traffic on their way to Richmond.
Potomac Mills Mall will apply for admission to the union as the 51st state.
Channel 20 will change its call letters to WAVY, in honor of its always-crisp signal.
Takoma Park, already a nuclear-free zone and an air-pollution-free zone, will declare itself a plastic-free zone too.
A search party will find four women near starvation on a street corner beside Rosecroft Raceway. The women will turn out to be commuters. All four will be clutching yellowing Metro press releases in their yellowing hands. The releases will say that Green Line subway service to southern Prince George's County is scheduled to begin in early 1985.
A home-seller in McLean will actually post an asking price of $450,000 for his $450,000 house.
The Redskins will play a game that no sportswriter describes as crucial.
Walter E. Fauntroy will be the first to announce for mayor in 1994. He will base his candidacy not only on his performance as D.C. delegate, but on his performance in the mayoral campaign of 1990.
Local TV news anchors will stop jerking their eyebrows every time they utter 11 words.
In honor of all the professionals in its midst, Chevy Chase will change its name to Paper Chase.
Takoma Park, already a nuclear-free zone, an air-pollution-free zone and a plastic-free zone, will declare itself a salt-free zone too.
A Blue Line subway train will be delayed unexpectedly at Federal Center Southwest. Officials will rush to the scene to investigate. They will discover a trainload of passengers cheering and stomping their feet -- because a Metro motorman actually pronounced "L'Enfant Plaza" correctly.
Archaeologists will discover a high school somewhere in the Washington area that didn't have a McDonald's within 100 yards of its front door.
Harry and Harriet Homeowner will have a meeting with their accountant. He'll tell them that, since they're over 55, they should take advantage of the one-time-only tax deduction on the sale of their primary residence. So Hechinger will be forced to launch a new ad campaign, featuring Harry and Harriet Condoleaser.
An M Street bartender named Herbert Hoya will come forward with the shocking truth: Georgetown University stole its nickname from his great-grandfather, Harold Hoya, in 1874. Herbert Hoya will demand $5 trillion in damages.
Larry King will do the first nationwide radio interview with Herbert Hoya. His first question will be: "So, Herbie, how ya like Georgetown in the Big East this season?" Ken Mundy will offer to represent Herbert Hoya. He will recommend a jury trial. He will not have to explain why.
George Mason University will offer Herbert Hoya a tenured position in its school of public affairs. University President George Johnson will explain that Mason wants as many local celebrities on its faculty as possible, regardless of whether they know how to spell.
Georgetown University will settle out of court with Herbert Hoya for $2 trillion. The university will get its hands on that kind of money by cutting basketball Coach John Thompson's salary in half.
The American Language Association will meet in emergency session and outlaw two favorite Washington expressions: "in the loop" and "full court press."
Takoma Park, already a nuclear-free zone, an air-pollution-free zone, a plastic-free zone and a salt-free zone, will permit the consumption of one Classic Coke per citizen per year. "We wanted to show that we're tolerant," a village elder will explain.