Q: Mr. Consumer, why is Ralph Nader so driven? Is it true he became a consumer fanatic merely because an airline once tried to bump him off a flight?

A: Well, yes, but the plane happened to be over Teaneck, N.J., at the time.

Q: I'm in favor of requiring cars to have airbags which inflate in the event of an accident. Have the automakers and the Congress reached a compromise on the issue yet?

A: The compromise is this: Every 1981 car will come equipped with an airbag, but you have to blow it up yourself.

Q: Since granola is so expensive at the store, I've decided to prepare it myself. Is it difficult to make?

A: No, all you need is a little honey and some Purina monkey chow.

Q: As a consumer and environmentalist, I'm against aerosols for reasons of cost and ecology. Why doesn't the government just ban all aerosol products?

A: Have you ever tried using a roll-on bug spray?

Q: I'm tired of all the talk about chemicals in lunch meat. I've eaten lunch meat every day for over 30 years and feel fine. So what do you think of that, Mr. Know-It-All?

A: There's good news and bad news. The bad news is you have five months to live. The good news is you're so full of preservatives you won't have to be enbalmed.

Q: Children seem naturally to want those things which are bad for them. Aren't the cereal manufacturers the least bit sheepish about putting all that sugar in their products?

A: No. In fact, there is a new cereal out called Cavity Krunchies. It goes snap . . . crackle . . . rot.