Q. California has sent us all kinds of faddish therapies to soothe our troubled minds and bodies. What's the latest West Coast therapy?

A. Nude yodeling.

Q. Gloria Vanderbilt and Calvin Klein are making fortunes with their designer jeans. But really, would you want your name on people's rear ends?

A. No. Whatever happened to the good old days when you wanted your name on people's lips?

Q. there for a while it was "Have You Hugged Yor Kid Today?" Then, it was "No More Nukes." What is the next fashionable bumper sticker?

A. Save the Whales -- Shoot a Japanese Fisherman.

Q. I'm just being trendy when I say I am a liberated guy who considers himself a feminist. But one question. If a man opens the door for a woman, is he a male chauvinist?

A. That depends. Is it an oven door?

Q. I think gold jewelry against a dark Cancun tan looks absolutely divine. But what should we older beach bunnies use to keep our skin from feeling leathery?

A. Saddle soap.

Q. the smugness of the "with-it" Georgetown crowd bugs the hell out of me. Wouldn't you say that Georgetowners are genuinely pretentious?

A. Yes. Your average Georgetown resident thinks the Four Horsemen are Death, Disease, Hunger and Polyester.

Q. The Scarsdale diet is out. The Pritikin diet is out. What's in?

A. The Jimmy Carter diet -- all you eat is crow.