''WHEN WILL Secretary Haig and Ambassador Dobrynin meet again?" an American reporter asked t a Soviet embassy party where not a single administration official showed up.
"It may take some time," came the response from a Soviet diplomat. "We are waiting for the current cold spell to pass. But first we have to find a place for our ambassador to park his car."
"Does Haig have to give back Dobrynin's old spot in the State Department basement?"
"No. We understand that this is a new administration, and for our ambassador to get his old parking space back would mean going back to the bad old days of detente. We know that we'll have to find another place."
"So where would you have Dobrynin park?"
"Well, I suppose he might park on the street like Americans. But that might be interpreted as reflecting rough military parity, and tghat's something Reagan's people think is years away. Having the same parking rights as any other foreign diplomat may also be taken to mean that we are being treated like everyone else, which in trade means low tariffs -- what you call Most Favored Nation status. But this administration is in no mood to give us MFN."
"But won't you get a ticket if you park on the street? Mayor Berry is very strict."
"The mayor is not a party to the confrontation that the Reagan administration has set up with us. Besides, we don't pay our parking tickets. We disregard them. We get more tickets than any other foreign mission in Washington.
"What about New York?"
"In New York, the Israelis are the number one parking violators, if you add up the tickets for their U.N. mission and their consulate general. But we no longer have a consulate general in New York. So it's not fair to compare our records."
"So you are number two -- and to the Israelis?"
"Only in parking tickets. We are number one in everything else."
"Maybe that's why Haig doesn't want to talk to you."
"But he will. It may take months or even longer. We have to be patient. Maybe the Germans, who caused World War I and World War II, will make peach between us to avert World War III. Or there will be war, and then the place to go is Antarctica, which is the only demilitarized zone in the world. Just make sure that you take gasoline with you."
"Gasoline? For you car?"
"Oh, no. Gasoline mixed with snow is the best shield against radioactive fallout."
"And where will we be?"
"We have to dig holes 20 feet deep and cover ourselves with that mixture of gasoline and snow."
"Then we have to wait there. Patience is an important virture."