AT LAST, we're getting somewhere.
There is something President Reagan will talk to the Soviets about. Sure, it's long- term grain sales, and you would rather have negotiations about arms control. Okay, is there any reason the agriculture boys can't do warheads with the wheat? Let's call them the STALK talks and get going.
Our regular nuke negotiators, Gen. Rowney and Paul Nitze, have bombed in Geneva, they admit it. So let's take the throw weight out of striped pants and put it into overalls. The farmers could bring the discussion down to earth.
Some people find it odd that Reagan, one week with the MX announcement,tells the Russians,"Duck," and the next, sends the signal,"Eat." Why should he feed a nation he suspects of wanting to wipe us out? Don't ask. He stopped the long-term wheat sales to teach the Soviets a lesson about Poland. But our trade ambassador, Bill Brock, says,"The political point has been made." Lech Walesa might differ, but let's not quibble. The window of opportunity is open.
We feel terribly inferior in a nuclear way, but in agriculture, we're millions of metric tons ahead, and our hayseed negotiators should not let the representatives of the "evil empire" forget it for a minute. The president is always telling us that we have to be "tough" with the Soviets, and here is the chance for us to stomp all over them with muddy boots.
First of all, our farmer-diplomats should take their wares with them, say a couple of million tons of wheat. Bring it right to the table. Make the point of granular superiority with a photo opportunity that will drive the Reds right up the wall.
"See this here wheat," someone from our side would say. "It's all yours, makes that stuff you've been buying from Canada and Argentina taste like sawdust. Instant delivery. Here's the order form."
I see the Russian stiffly responding, "What kind of wheat is it?"
"This here is silo wheat," says our man.
"Silo wheat? It is not in the catalog."
"That's right, buddy, it isn't in the catalog. It's a new strain. It's called silo wheat because we only sell to people who will put it in silos."
"We do not have silos, as a matter of fact. In a socialist country, nothing is stored, it is all given freely to the people. The running dogs of capitalism keep food from . . .
"Listen, turkey, don't give me that. You couldn't farm a window box and everyone knows it. You haven't got enough wheat to feed a Grange supper in Iowa. You wouldn't last through the first round in a 4-H Club hog competition for 10-year-old girls. But you got silos, and we know it."
"Of course, your corrupt spies are everywhere, and give you erroneous information which you further distort . . .
"Save your breath, buster. I suppose you keep those SS-20 missiles in cowbarns? "
"You are here to talk about grain sales. This material is quite outside the range of the subject matter of this negotiation, which is, of course, related to the sale of feed and grain for the purpose of replenishing your treasury which you have depleted by your reckless and irrational spending for your war machine . . ."
"Hold it right there, pardner, before we bury you in surplus cheese. You know that if you take out your SS-20s, we won't plant our Pershings and cruises. Doesn't your government tell you anything?"
Our missiles are entirely of a defensive nature, unlike your provocative MX . . ."
"Are you serious? The MX is going the way of the wooden plow, which I guess you still use over here, judging by your crops."
"But the puppet Weinberger said before your Senate that we would not come to the negotating table unless you build the MX."
"Right, and here you are at the negotiating table. Even you can see that."
"But . . ."
"Look, you want this stuff or not? Just sign here. We'll truck it over to the silos for you."
"But the missiles . . ."
"Hell's fire, no wonder you can't even raise bees over here. Say, by the way, we'll throw in a little honey for your bread -- in case you know how to make it. We're taking your nukes home with us -- in the ships we brought the wheat over in. Solves the verification problem. We'll melt that junk down for scrap at the Legion cookout on the Fourth of July."
"The Union of Soviet Socialist Republics has made repeated overtures . . ."
"Look, jarhead, we haven't got all day. We're not from the State Department, you know."
"We are not accustomed . . ."
"Buddy, you're not accustomed to a lot of things, like eating. Try it, you'll like it. Just put your X here. We gotta get back and put in enough seed to feed every man, woman and child in this Godforsaken place 10 times over. Thanks. Peace, pal."