Watch out, you liberal lap dogs of Latin American leftists. Your days are numbered. The Canadian Caper is about to begin.
This column has just obtained exclusive rights to leaked memos from top presidential strategist Patrick (the Enforcer) Buckshot. Along with the previously announced franchise for leaks from Democratic political guru Padraic (the Magician) Cardwell, we can now guarantee that regular readers will receive the latest inside dope from both parties.
Here is the new Buckshot memo to Republican National Chairman Frank J. Fahrenkopf Jr.: Dear Frank, The Boss and everyone else think the Contra Campaign was a smash success in the dimensions we have discussed. Regardless of what happens down in Nicaragua (and, frankly, my dear, who gives a damn?), we have succeeded in our main bjective of identifying on last week's House roll call dozens of Democrats who can be tagged as squishy soft on Sandinistas. By the time we are finished with them, those wimps will wish they had stayed with Reagan and the Freedom Fighters.
I know that some of the other political consultants on your payroll are arguing that the whole Nicaragua issue is way off the voters' screen -- that we ought to be talking about prosperity, a booming stock market, declining deficits and a new round of tax cuts. I'm not knocking any of those issues, Frankie, but when those kids have been around politics as long as I have, they'll understand the lesson I learned from my first boss, Richard Nixon.
RN always said that you can win a presidential election on hope, but the only way you win an off-year congressional campaign is to scare the voters silly. (He put it a little stronger than that, but I don't want to give more ammunition to the damn WashingtonPost, in case they get hold of this memo.)
By the time we have gone the full five months on our planned Contra Campaign, the American people will identify the Sandinistas as the source of everything from commie subversion to teen-age pregnancy and inflamed gums.
The mistake the Democrats make -- man, I love their stupidity -- is to think that we'll call off the ads after last week's vote. Their jaws will drop when they see the next round. I think you read the scripts for "Red Horde at the Border" and "One Bad Apple Spoils the Hemisphere," but the finished films are eight or ten times tougher than just the words.
Wait till you see the next ad. Charlton Heston narrates the reenactment of Teddy Roosevelt's charge up San Juan Hill. It ends with the line: "Of course, Teddy had one advantage over President Reagan. He didn't have to worry about the Democrats at his back."
I am also sending over a tape of a musical group we're considering using on the R&B stations. I like the lyric: "If Moscow was meant to run/Those lands down in the sun/God would have given them parkas/And vodka, instead of rum." I think this one will play with the kids.
The one worry I've got is that Dick Wirthlin's polls show the issue doing much better in the South than in the North. That's the price we pay, I guess, for emphasizing the tide moving up from Nicaragua. But I don't want those so-and-sos up North to think they're getting off easy. That's why we want to introduce the Canadian Caper.
Bill Casey cleared the plan with Brian Mulroney when he was down here from Ottawa last week. Frankly, I don't understand why the Canadians think they've gotta have a government of their own up there, but if they've got one, I'm glad it's led by Mulroney instead of that creep Trudeau. He got right into the spirit of the game as soon as Casey and I outlined it to him.
In late spring, Mulroney will announce that he has discovered the Sandinistas are causng the acid rain problem. He likes that a lot better than trying to convince The Boss that American smokestacks are poisoning his lakes. He'll send the Mounties out to hunt down the Sandinista polluters, but of course they won't find them.
In September, Reagan will ask for an emergency $100 million to defend our unarmed Canadian border against Sandinista pollution and to mount "aggressive surveillance" raids on suspected Sandinista centers around Hudson Bay. (Casey has a guy ready to testify that Sandinista is the Spanish- Indian word for acid rain.)
The Democrats will split three ways: The pacifists will say Canada is no threat. The environmentalists will say it's a diversion. And the protectionists will argue that Canadian timber imports are a far worse menace and try to turn it into a tariff battle.
We figure there are at least 18 Democratic-held congressional districts between the Ohio River and the Soo, where the incumbents can be beaten if they vote against the Canadian Caper.The ads in their districts will emphasize the threat of the football-loving Midwest being inundated by hordes of red-faced refugee hockey nuts from Saskatchewan.
That ought to get their minds off of farm prices and the rest of that Democratic barnyard material. Let's roll.