Senate Republicans want to skirt federal spending limits in next year's budget by releasing billions of dollars of this year's money the month after the fiscal year ends. When a Washington Post news story characterized this as adding a 13th month to the fiscal year, Republicans bristled. For some reason, they think it makes them sound like wackos.
Well, not to me. The Republicans should stand proudly behind their 13th month. I think they are on to something here. In terms of creative problem solving, this idea smacks of genius.
In fact, similar reasoning could be used to solve all sorts of problems:
Switch to Celsius. The numbers are smaller. If the Earth's temperature rises 1/17th of a degree, who cares?
GUNS IN THE SCHOOLS
Guns are not the problem, schools are the problem. We would have no guns in our schools if there were no schools. There's no need to eliminate education; we just have to rename the buildings. For example, the District's Alice Deal Junior High School could be renamed Alice Deal Fat-Rendering Plant. Who would bring a gun to a fat-rendering plant?
LACK OF ADEQUATE PARKING AT REDSKINS STADIUM
Simple. Repaint the parking lots, allowing three spaces for every current space.
Racists hate people who look different from themselves. All we have to do is eliminate this disparity. Studies in behavioral science have shown that witnesses at crime scenes tend not to distinguish one person in uniform from another; they see only the uniform. So we issue uniforms to all Americans. I would suggest that men wear old-fashioned bellhop outfits, like the guy in the "Call for Philip Morris" ads. Women could dress as meter maids. (Men and women could not wear the same uniform, because then no one could tell them apart, and the species would die out.)
The whole point of stockpiling nukes is to appear strong and fearsome. All we have to do is rename the hydrogen bomb "The Big Sissy." No world leader will want any part of it.
No one would be technically hungry anymore if the World Health Organization issued new universal minimum recommended daily standards for a balanced diet. Current standards for a typical adult male: 63 gm protein, 62 gm fat, 2,500 calories. New standards: 2 gm protein, 1 gm fat, 12 calories.
CHILDREN SEEING TOO MUCH SEX AND VIOLENCE ON TV
Here we follow the lead set by our court system, which long ago figured out that the way to counteract an increase in juvenile crime was to lower the age at which a kid is considered an adult. So, if too many children are watching sexy and violent stuff on TV, lower the age of childhood. Then fewer children will watch. New age of majority: 6. No 5-year-old is going to want to watch "Sex and the City."
NOT ENOUGH TIME IN THE DAY TO GET EVERYTHING DONE
Add an hour to each day. The extra hour would come between 7 p.m. and 8 p.m., and would be called seven-and-a-half p.m. To avoid confusion, the half-hour would be called half-past-seven-and-a-half p.m. After a few days, of course, it would start getting dark around noon, but you could easily remedy that problem by moving noon ahead one hour every day.
CYNICISM IN THE NEWSPAPERS
Change all bylines to "By the Dalai Lama."
Gene Weingarten is a writer and editor for The Post's Style section.