I just can't make up my mind about the presidential choices for the Reform Party, they're all so tempting. I know Pat Buchanan has his heart set on the nomination, and I don't like to see him denied. He gets so testy when crossed. On the other hand, now that the Senate has voted down the nuclear test ban treaty, I think it's bombs away on Star Wars and he is irresistible as Secretary of Defense.
I don't rule him out for the Oval, but there are strong contenders, and I want to see if Hugh Hefner could be drafted before I close any deal. Hef would in my mind bring a little heft to the ticket, a senior statesman's aura. You wouldn't have to wonder if he was fooling around with an intern. You'd know he was. He would tell you, or she would--on "Oprah," of course. None of the agony of impeachment, none of the expense, no new Starr panning for porn for five years. Hef spells stability.
Speaking of Oprah, I have her in mind for Librarian of Congress. She gives a book a nod and it's an overnight bestseller. She could do her show from the main reading room, and maybe some of the readers and researchers could help out with the shrieking and gasping as needed. The silence signs would, of course, have to be removed.
For State, how could there be an argument? It's Jesse Ventura. In the new Republican world being created on Capitol Hill, diplomacy will be a dead letter. We'll hardly be speaking to the rest of the planet from behind our nuclear barricades. Jesse knows how to offend. Some churchgoers took it ill when he said that organized religion is a crutch for the weak-minded. In the current climate, that's a plus. Yokelry is in vogue, and a new standard in boorishness has been set. At the low point in the nuclear treaty debate, Sen. Jesse Helms of North Carolina berated British Prime Minister Tony Blair and the other European leaders who had had the temerity to push for the pact. He said on the Senate floor that he imagined a conversation between Clinton and Blair, with Blair signing off with "Give my regards to Monica." Who better than Minnesota's Jesse to drive home the Senate's message to the world: GET LOST.
But back to the top job: The case for Donald Trump was made in a brilliant parody in the Weekly Standard, the smiling conservative magazine. It is a fanciful account of Trump, at his inauguration, announcing plans to tear down the White House and replace it with "something classier"--an 89-story "Trump Presidential Palace & Casino." It will be in the shape of the Coliseum and "covered all the way around with gold and silver mirrors." The Donald has the vision, no question about it. He might want to consider Jerry Springer as his chief of staff. Jerry's good at sorting out conflicting views, and his presence in the White House would reassure the yahoo constituency that it will be as well represented in the White House as it is in Congress.
If Hef and The Donald decide to be co-presidents, they should of course have unfettered say about members of their Cabinet, but maybe they wouldn't mind a little kibitzing about some obvious picks.
For instance, Hollywood should be represented. What about Warren Beatty for attorney general? I know he's not a lawyer and there wouldn't be time for a quickie correspondence degree, but he could play a lawyer on TV and that would do it. I think O.J. Simpson would be the one for the FBI. As top cop, he could carry out full force the search for his wife's killer that he promised when he was acquitted of her murder.
Similarly, Ross Perot would do a bang-up job at the CIA. As chief spook, he could put the agency on the case of his daughter's wedding--Ross says the CIA tried to disrupt it. It would be good for the country to have the riddle solved. It would be even better to have the Company tied down for four years chasing its tail, thereby preventing it from following its usual pursuits--giving bombers bum addresses and sneaking up to the Hill to lobby for reigniting the Cold War.
Buchanan may have totally different ideas about all this. He may think he can handle both the presidency and the Defense portfolio. The Republicans seem to want to put all our money into the Pentagon, so social spending may not be an issue, and the Reformers may eliminate Treasury entirely. Perhaps Buchanan will think he is entitled more than the others to ride that first missile in the Star Wars galaxy. At the same time, he may want to use the bully pulpit of the White House to further his campaign for a kinder, gentler approach to Adolf Hitler. He may have to mend some fences with Jewish and World War II vet voters. But once they see the prevalence of peasants with pitchforks running the show, they may, in the immortal words of Marion Barry, "get used to it."