The following draft U.N. resolution, apparently circulated by the French delegation as U.N. weapons inspectors resumed their work in Iraq last week, came into Outlook's hands through a confidential source known to our editors as John D. Lawrence (see below).


Adopted by the Security Council at its ____ meeting, on __ December 2002

The Security Council,

Recalling all its previous relevant resolutions, in particular resolution 661 (1990), 678 (1990), 686 (1991), 687 (1991), 688 (1991), 707 (1991), 715 (1991), 986 (1995), 1284 (1999), 1382 (2001) and the just-adopted 1441 (2002), as well as the relevant statements of its President, Security Council members and Larry King thereon,

Deploring the fact that Iraq has repeatedly obstructed immediate, unconditional and unrestricted access to sites designated by the United Nations and CNN,

Remaining slack-jawed that previous U.N. weapons inspectors were foiled by locked doors and clever explanations such as "Those are my wife's medical records,"

Marveling at the successful game of three-card monte that Iraqi President Saddam Hussein has played for nearly a decade,

Confessing that the United States will likely do whatever it wants regardless of this august body and that it is in the paramount interests of the United Nations to appear to be relevant as long as possible,

Lamenting the fact that Iraq persists in violating the Security Council's resolutions by its continued refusal to return matched sets of gold-plated faucets looted from Kuwait during what Saddam Hussein once described as "an impulse-shopping spree,"

Regretting that Iraq continues to be a major producer of chemical and biological weapons meant to kill and disfigure people, including Botulinum Toxin Type A, a neurotoxin produced by the bacterium Clostridium Botulinum that has been known to produce botulism (food poisoning), paralysis and death,

Admitting that Iraq continues to be the world's largest producer of Botulinum Toxin Type A, also known as Botox, and has refused to participate in the United Nations' "Face Lifts for Oil" program,

Alleging that samples of Botulinum Toxin Type A were mixed with chemical weapons, producing near-instant death, but also resulting in a smooth, highly resilient complexion now to be found in middle-aged CEO wives, but not otherwise occurring in Nature,

Recognizing that Saddam Hussein and all residents of the town of Tikrit have wrinkle-free complexions that, according to Ambassador Bo Derek, Special Coordinator for the Iraqi Resistance and Mary Kay Representative for the Greater Baghdad Area (and Northern No-Fly Zone), "are just to die for,"

Mourning the unfortunate fact that U.N. weapons inspectors reportedly destroyed more than 5,000 tons of Botulinum Toxin with callous disregard for the good it could have done for millions of insecure people around the world,

Commending the Secretary General and the World Health Organization's Ad Hoc Committee on Wartime Shortages of Botox, which has stated that "this shortage is of grave concern and far outweighs the 1990s gravity-fueled silicone breast implant scare and, if it persists, it will require the rationing of Botox{copy} and the likely cloistering of women at a level not seen since purdah (society-sanctioned seclusion of women from public observation) under the Taliban,"

Reaffirming the commitment of all Member States to the sovereignty and territorial integrity of Iraq, except for the Northern and Southern No-Fly Zones, the Kurdish-controlled areas in the north, the neutral zone/disputed territory with Kuwait, the border with Iran and both places listed in "Arthur Frommer's Guide to Best Vacation Spots in Iraq,"

Asserting that the effective operation of the weapons inspections team UNMOVIC, which will be renamed WEMOVEIT, is essential for the implementation of the previous 15 Security Council resolutions ignored by Iraq,

Chastising the Secretary General for not sending the previous 15 resolutions to Iraq with a return receipt required to verify delivery,

Acting under Chapter VII of the Charter of the United Nations,

1. Decides that no later than 30 days from the date of this resolution, Iraq shall provide a full, accurate and complete declaration of all stocks of Botulinum Toxin Type A, and any and all facilities related to its production;

2. Decides that WEMOVEIT shall have free and unfettered access to any and all sites it chooses and that, should such access not be provided, the inspectors may proceed with a level of ferocity approaching that of a bulimic at the dessert cart, consistent with the Geneva Convention and other human rights considerations;

3. Decides that all stocks of Botulinum Toxin Type A shall first be unloaded in Paris and subjected to lengthy tests by the French government to determine their purity and effectiveness, which may require voluntary clinical trials on local residents;

4. Determines to remain actively seized of the matter.

John D. Lawrence (aka John D. Lawrence) is an international consultant who lives in Northern Virginia.