MICHAEL MOORE (voice-over): When the second plane hit the tower, his chief of staff entered the classroom and told Mr. Bush, "The nation is under attack." . . . Mr. Bush just sat there and continued to read "My Pet Goat" with the children. Nearly seven minutes passed with nobody doing anything.

-- From Moore's film, "Fahrenheit 9/11"

TITLE: FAHRENHEIT 2/2 HOT

THE TEMPERATURE AT WHICH WORKING-CLASS HEROES SELF-IMMOLATE

A Documentary

Audience hears restaurant sounds as text appears on a blank screen:

I like Whoppers. Flame-broiled juicy, chock-full of onions and lettuce and loads of secret ingredients. They're big, too; bigger than a Big Mac. You don't even need to say "biggie size it, please" because it's already so damn BIG. But I know Whoppers are bad for me, so I've given them up.

-- "Dude, Where's My Country?"

By Michael Moore, pp. 42-43

CUT TO:

INTERIOR. BURGER KING.

Michael Moore, dressed in blue jeans, over-sizeT-shirt, tennis shoes and cap, munching a Whopper.

NARRATOR (voice-over): At the height of the frenzy over his new film "Fahrenheit 9/11," Michael Moore stole away from his adoring fans, vengeful Republicans and a bewildered media to spend a few minutes alone, enjoying what he enjoys most.

SCREEN CLOCK READS: 12:41 P.M.

Michael Moore finishes his first Whopper. He bites into a second as his assistant appears, whispers in his ear and departs.

NARRATOR (voice-over): When Michael Moore bit into his second burger, his assistant entered the restaurant and told him, "Your movie is under attack." But Michael Moore did nothing. Michael Moore just sat there and continued to eat.

Nearly seven minutes passed as he did nothing -- but eat. What was going through his mind? Were his thoughts on his mind-blowing success? Was he thinking: "I'm BIG -- coast-to-coast BIG, around-the-world BIG. I write BIG books. I make BIG films."

Text appears on blank screen:

BEST-SELLERS

"Dude, Where's My Country?"

"Stupid White Men"

"Downsize This!"

FILMS

"Fahrenheit 9/11" (biggest-grossing documentary;

Cannes Film award)

"Bowling for Columbine" (Academy Award)

"Roger & Me" (cult status)

CUT TO:

INTERIOR. BURGER KING.

Michael Moore chewing.

SCREEN CLOCK READS: 12:43 P.M.

NARRATOR (voice-over): Why did Michael Moore do nothing? When his movie was attacked, why did Michael Moore just sit there? Sure, he'd already fought his attackers -- Michael Moore gives as good as he gets. But now he just sat there eating a Whopper? Why? Is it possible Michael Moore knew the attacks brought people out to the theaters? Is it possible he knew that anything that was good for his film was also good for his . . . wallet?

Michael Moore chewing.

NARRATOR (voice-over): Michael Moore was thinking: It's all about money. Saudi oil. Iraqi oil. Afghan pipeline. Book and film royalties. It's all the same. It's all about money. You got it or you don't. And dude, I'm rolling in it!

CUT TO:

GEORGE W. BUSH IN TUXEDO SPEAKING AT FUNDRAISER

BUSH: This is an impressive crowd. The "haves" and the "have mores." Some people call you the elite. I call you my base.

CUT TO:

MICHAEL MOORE IN AUDIENCE IN TUXEDO

MOORE (cheering): Have Moore! Have Moore!

CUT TO:

INTERIOR. BURGER KING -- CLOSE UP.

Michael Moore chewing, scruffy beard, sympathetic eyes.

NARRATOR (voice-over): But no matter how rich he gets -- still, to millions of his followers he's the working-class hero.

Music begins. John Lennon's "Working Class Hero," soulful vocals and acoustic guitar.

INTERIOR. BURGER KING.

Michael Moore chewing.

LENNON (voice-over): A working-class hero is something to be/ If you want to be a hero well just follow me.

Music ends. Michael Moore stops chewing, smiles.

NARRATOR (voice-over): What was he thinking? Was he happy to be sitting alone by himself? No television cameras blinding him. No newspaper reporters begging for a minute of his time. No radio interviews to be beamed around the world. How he shied from the limelight! How he hated the publicity game!

CUT TO:

MONTAGE. QUICK-CUTS.

Michael Moore with Paula Zahn on CNN.

Michael Moore with Tim Russert on CNBC.

Michael Moore on the CBS "Early Show."

Michael Moore on cover of Time magazine.

CUT TO:

THE DOG CHANNEL

Michael Moore being interviewed by a cocker spaniel.

MOORE: Our message is important to the canine population.

CUT TO:

INTERIOR. BURGER KING.

Michael Moore chewing.

SCREEN CLOCK READS: 12:45 P.M.

NARRATOR (voice-over): No, Michael Moore doesn't like the spotlight. He's no publicity hound. He does it for the little guy. How would Michael Moore put it? He would say the little guy needs a fat cat like Michael Moore to stand up for him.

Michael Moore licking Whopper juice off his lips.

NARRATOR (voice-over): What was Michael Moore thinking? He was thinking the time had come to fix a little typo in one of his books. Can you guess what itsy-bitsy change Michael Moore had in mind?

Text appears on blank screen:

A PRAYER TO AFFLICT THE COMFORTABLE (NOT INCLUDING MICHAEL MOORE). We implore, Most Merciful One, just as You turned Lot's wife into a pillar of salt, that You turn the rich -- all the rich except Michael Moore -- into paupers and homeless, wiping out their entire savings, assets and mutual funds, except in the case of Michael Moore.

-- "Stupid White Men," p. 234

(with a few words added)

CUT TO:

INTERIOR. BURGER KING.

Michael Moore rising, picking up his tray. He takes his tray to the trash can, empties it, drops it on top.

CUT TO:

MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS

Eric Idle singing "The Money Song" and dancing on a desk.

IDLE: There is nothing quite as wonderful as money / There is nothing like a newly minted pound.

You can keep your Marxist ways, /For it's only just a phase, /For it's money, money, money makes the world go 'round.

EXTERIOR. BURGER KING.

Michael Moore coming out the glass doors. He lifts up his cap, scratches his head.

NARRATOR (voice-over): What was he thinking? Michael Moore was thinking: If I get any richer, dude, I'll have to become a Republican.

SCREEN CLOCK READS: 12:48 P.M.

FADE OUT

Author's e-mail:

levingstons@washpost.com

Steven Levingston is an editor in the Post's financial section. In the late 1990s, he wrote a business satire column for the Boston Globe.