"Hey, fans, welcome back to the Wal-Mart World Series, your one-stop shop for championship baseball. I'm Bud 'Jeep Cherokee' Duncan, along with Chip 'Allstate' Franco. Bottom of the ninth here at U.S. Cellular Field in Chicago, one out, score tied 2-2. Our deadlock brought to you by the American Arbitration Association, the decision-makers to turn to when your game is on the line.
"Now Travis dances off first, Benitez swings. . . . He misses! Strike two, courtesy of the hard-working men and women of the AFL-CIO (now Teamster-free!). Lancer goes into his stretch and delivers. That breaking ball sponsored by the White House, specialists in pitching the American public fluttering knuckleballs since 2001. Strike three!
"Travis breaks for second. Safe! Chip, he never would have stolen that base if second baseman Escobar had remembered to call ADT Home Security Systems -- vigilant, responsive, always there. The strikeout was brought to you by Liquid Paper, erasing your mistakes as you go along, almost as if they never happened in the first place."
"Bud, with that out, Benitez becomes a clear-cut favorite for the Choke of the Game, sponsored by our good friends at the American Society of Professional Waiters and Servers, specialists in the Heimlich maneuver."
"Hey, Chip, a new pitcher's warming up in the Rolaids Spells Relief bullpen. It's Rolandez, a lefty underwritten by the Democratic National Committee. While we have this brief break in the action, folks, it's time for the Stat of the Game, brought to you by Budweiser. Old Spice. NASCAR. John Deere. Hungry-Man Dinners. Verizon. Timberland. Google. Gatorade. And by Major League Baseball itself, bringing your company new revenue streams for maximum return on investment through limitless branding opportunities targeted to your most coveted consumer demographic. . .
"Oh, Chip, too late for that stat now. Fusilli comes to the Home Depot plate, belts a looooonnnnng drive to right-center! It bounces off the Bank of America logo . . . ricochets off the American Airlines sign . . . hits the right fielder, Watanabe, on his Ford Tough arm patch . . . drops to the Scotts Weed and Feed grass as Fusilli motors into second with a stand-up Johnny Walker Black double. Travis flying around third, sliding into home . . . he's out! Definitely a Gillette Mach3 Close Shave at the plate."
"Bud, that sends the game into extra innings, sponsored by the gallantly crusading conservationists at Exxon Mobil, always ready to take Americans the extra mile. Leading off now is Romanov, ready to take his Hormel Ham cuts. After the game, to benefit the Juvenile Diabetes foundation, eBay will auction off some of the saliva he recently sprayed while waiting in the American Medical Association on-deck circle, sponsored by the folks who have learned that even a short wait can seem like an eternity.
"Romanov drills the first pitch down the third base line . . . But before Bud tells you what happened, I want to remind anyone out there still watching this broadcast that some special guests from the Fox prime time lineup will be here in the broadcast booth tomorrow night in the name of corporate synergy. You won't want to miss the entire cast of 'The Simpsons' singing 'Take Me Out to the Domino Pizza Ballgame.' "
"Okay, fans, it's time to get back to the action on the field. But first, a reminder that baseball never goes out of season anymore. Make your holiday plans now. Take your whole family to Radio City Music Hall this Christmas and see your favorite players join the Rockettes for the first-ever 'Baseball on Ice' nativity scene."
Bob Brody is a New York City public relations executive. His essays are brought to you by major corporate underwriters worldwide.