Princess Margaret was having dinner with President Park of South Korea. A plumber was coming to fix the sink, but he was late. "I don't understand it," said Princess Margaret. "He said he'd be here."
"They always say they'll come but they never do," said President Park.
"Plumbers are pigs," said Princess Margaret.
Billy Martin turned up. He looked upset. "It's not easy," he said. "You go to a small town, and the minute you get off the plane a bunch of jokers are lining up to say you took a poke at them. Somebody calls Steinbrenner, and the next thing you know you're fired."
"Team owners are pigs," said Princess Margaret.
Fidel Castro walked in with Barbara Walters. "Unaccustomed as I am to giving dinner parties --" he began.
"This isn't your dinner party," said Barbara Walters. "It's my dinner party."
"This isn't a dinner party," said Fidel Castro. "It's a speech."
"This isn't a speech," said Barbara Walters. "It's a press conference."
A Cuban press officer appeared and distributed a release containing Fidel Castro's recipe for lobster. "In the oven," Fidel Castro said to Billy Martin. "Twenty minutes in the oven."
"Let's eat," said Barbara Walters.
Princess Margaret was speechless, but fortunately a waiter materialized, bearing a platter of pork chops. "Pork chops are pigs," said Princess Margaret.
Jane Byrne, the mayor of Chicago, buzzed in. She was between hairdressers. She said that she and her husband shared the housework. She said she had not made up her mind about the presidential campaign. She added that she was not a candidate of the machine. President Park applauded and said that he understood: he too was the misunderstood leader of a democracy. Princess Margaret took a bite of her food and then turned, puzzled, to the head of the South Korean Central Intelligence Agency, who had just sat down next to her. "Would it be more correct to say, 'Pork chops are pig'?" she asked.
"Pork chops is pig," replied the head of the KCIA.
A marshmallow salesman from Lincolnshire, Ill., with blood on his face ran in and shouted that Billy Martin had hit him and caused him to have 20 stitches in his lower lip. Martin, outraged, rose to his feet. "You see what I mean," he said to the group, and hit the man on the lower lip. "Let's dance," said Princess Margaret, trying to break the tension.
An electrician who had promised to repair the wall socket in 1975 arrived and said he had been held up by a flat tire. Henry Kissinger said that because the war was not of his making it took a long time to get out of. Rosalynn Carter said she loved being a grandmother more than anaything. Amy Carter sat at the table reading a book, and the senator next to her said he enjoyed having her as a dinner partner. Franklin Delano Roosevelt Jr. said that many women of his mother's generation wrote gushy letters owing to the influence of Jane Austen. Richard Nixon said his mother was a saint. Farrah Fawcett-Majors said she had to stay home and wash her hair. Howard Cosell promised to tell it like it is.
"Get out of here, Howard," said Barbara Walters. "This is my story."
"Get out of here, Howard," said Fidel Castro. "This is my dinner party."
"This is my dinner party," said President Park and, as five Korean musicians began to play an Irish jig, he asked Princess Margaret to dance.
"You promised me the first dance," said the head of the KCIA to the princess.
But Princess Margaret had alrady started tapping her tiny feet to the Irish music. "You know what I always say about the Irish -- "she began, but before she could finish, the head of the KCIA's gun fell onto the floor and misfired, killing President Park and the Korean band. "It was an accident," said the head of the KCIA. "It was the jig," said Mayor Byrne. "I deny everything," said Billy Martin. The plumber called to say he'd be there tomorrow.
President Carter arrived at last, on foot. "Normally I run seven miles a day," he said. "But it was uphill getting here." He looked around the room. Everyone had left.