This is a one-time offer. It will never again be made within the continental United States. You owe it to yourself and your future to act today. (Actually, any time before Feb. 15 would be fine.) But this is almost surely your only opportunity, today, to become a co-founder, with me, of a brand new single-issue political pressure group.
Sure, single-issue pressure groups have had a lot of negative stories written about them. Someone constantly seems to be arguing that single-issue groups further fragment the whole political process, weaken our political parties and prevent coalitions from working. Okay. That's fair criticism. But still we must act.
To have a single-issue group, you must first have an agreed-upon single issue that then enables you to conduct your own litmus tests of public figures to determine their fitness for public office.
Do not become nervous. I am not asking anyone to advocate a boycott of zucchini or the canonization of Gen. Curtis LeMay. All you have to do is make the following solemn pledge: I promise never again to vote for any male candidate for federal office who willfully uses hair spray.
The proposition is a simple one. Candidates will now be forced to choose between us and Alberto VO-5. No longer will any candidate be able to have the support of both of us. The addiction to spray has reached the point among some of the freshman members that, if they tripped, they might very well break their hair. Say what you want, Richard Nixon never used hair spray. Nor did Abraham Lincoln or either of the Roosevelts. Can you imagine the fate of any poor soul who would have been so foolish as to offer hair spray to Ike or Harry?
But this is the television age, we are told. The plastic-coated candidates, for many of whom there is no such phrase as indecent exposure, insist that they have to be ready for the next interview on the big eye. That's fine, but they don't have to try and pass for a co-captain of the eyewitness news team.
In addition to looking like unemployed anchormen, these candidates insult our intelligence. We learn, at about the age of 3 1/2, that nobody's hair moves as a unit. Some of these guys could be put in an open convertible in Washington and driven round trip to Williamsburg and not one follicle would move. Their hair must have been applied by Sherwin-Williams.
In addition to bad taste and terminal vanity, there is one more villain responsible for the epidemic of spraying. This is a bunch of do-gooders calling themselves the Natural Resources Defense Council. The NRDC, as they are known among the "environmental extremists," were responsible for the elimination of fluorocarbons from the cans that contained hair spray and other fine scents. The NRDC showed that fluorocarbons, once loose in the air, frequently rose up into the stratosphere where the ozone is. The ozone does a terrific job of screening out ultraviolet rays from our neighborhoods. Ultraviolet rays can really hurt people. So ozone is a very valuable ally in the stratosphere. The fluorocarbons unfortunately were able to convert the ozone into simply oxygen, which is good for a lot of things, but keeping ultraviolet rays off people's skin is not one of them.
As you probably guessed, the federal regulators listened to the environmentalists and banished fluorocarbons. Spray cans minus fluorocarbons were no longer environmentally offensive. After that, a candidate, while looking like the last survivor of an oil slick, could sincerely seek the endorsement of any ecology group.
Neither party has the guts to take on this tough issue. They're both apparently too intimately involved with the hair spray crowd. There's only one route left -- the single-issue pressure groups. Let's help America see real hair again, on the heads of our leaders.