I'm just chock-full of good ideas today. It seems to me that the D.C. library isn't what it should be. Besides, people ought to have the freedom to choose what they read. So I'm launching a drive for an initiative to provide citizens with a library book tax credit. As long as you didn't have a library card you could take $50 off your D.C. taxes, provided you spend it on books.
That's just for starters. My neighbor down the street says I can use his swimming pool anytime I want to, and I've already got a basketball hoop, so I don't really need the recreation department -- which isn't so hot anyway, and besides I ought to have the right to decide where I swim. So we're also getting up the Recreation Tax Credit Initiative of 1982 that will give everyone a credit of $100 to be used on tennis rackets, a new warm-up suit, membership in the Chevy Chase Club or tickets to the Capital Centre.
I know it sounds crazy but I have it on the authority of my doctor that I'm not crazy. Which brings up another matter. Not only have I never used St. Elizabeths or any of the city's mental health clinics, I've never been on welfare, don't qualify for food stamps and am too young for services to the elderly. It's clear that what people like me need is a human-services tax-credit initiative. Join me in voting for it, and you can deduct $1,800 from your taxes, provided you spend it with your private physician or psychiatrist.
Furthermore, I've never called the fire department or needed an ambulance. The city must be full of people like me, enough of us perhaps to push through the False Alarm Tax Credit Initiative of 1982. Scratch another $200 from your tax bill.
And the police. Ever since I moved out of a high-crime neighborhood, all they've done is take my tax money and given me tickets. I say people who don't use the police department ought to be allowed to deduct $500 from their taxes if they spend it on burglar alarms, a German shepherd or other security methods.
Now I admit my idea isn't completely novel. I kind of stole it from some folks who are saying the same thing about D.C. public schools. They have proposed a tuition tax-credit initiative that would provide up to $1,200 in credits for money spent on non-public education.
I know some people are critical of the idea. They say the plan will favor those who already are paying private-school tuitions without helping the rest of the city. They say the plan will cost public educations tens of millions of dollars, that it will favor Ward Three, which has about 40 percent of all non-public schoolchildren in the city, that the whole thing is a right-wring rip-off of the first water.
But critics fail to realize that those wishy-washy liberal days of the most good for the most people are over. It's everybody for himself. Me, I'm going to the head of the line.
Come to think of it, I don't have such a high opinion of the whole city government. I think I'll go out right now and start collecting petitions for a D.C. government tax-credit initiative. Then I can get all my dollars back. I'll meet you in front of the local supermarket if you want to sign.