As someone who much earlier predicted that Snooky Lanson of the Lucky Strike Hit Parade would be elected California's governor in 1966; that world team tennis would make America forget about professional football, and who was the very first person to forecast that president George McGovern would not seek a second White House term, I feel confident about my calls for 1982. So, in response to a goodly number (three) requests, here's just some of what we can look forward to in the first half of next year.
January: A Defense Department spokesman will brag that our "volunteer military is working . . . enlistments are the highest ever." Some carping Democrat will respond to that good news by pointing out that a)unemployment is over 9 percent and b)the U.S. Army is one of seven non-energy employers that is presently hiring.
Mayor Jane Byrne of Chicago, at her $2,500-a-plate fund raising dinner, will announce her "unequivocal and irrevocable" endorsement of Sen. Edward Kennedy for the 1984 Democratic presidential nomination.
February: A candidate for the city council in a medium-sized American city will disclose that she has raised $3 million in small contributions, and made only one campaign promise. She has sworn, if elected, to search out and to destroy all semi-portable stereo cassette recorders, a.k.a. boogie boxes and/or boom boxes within the city limits. The Japanese Embassy will argue, through the leading American advertising and public relations firm it retains, that those teen noise machines--which are capable of cracking Dixie cups at least three city blocks away--are protected under both the First and the Second amendments to the Constitution.
March: The Democratic National Committee, after solemnly reaffirming that "quotas in any form are repugnant and malignant" will adopt party rules which establish as a "goal" that each state's delegation to the 1984 national convention be: 13.9 percent left-handed, 9.9 percent transvestite, and 8.53 percent Sagittarians. The committee will first defeat a troublemaker's motion to increase all state delegations to 150 percent of their alotted size in order to accommodate all the prescribed and mandated "goals."
Mayor Jane Byrne will announce upon returning from her trip to China, that Sen. John Glenn is "my first and only choice for president in 1984 and 1988."
April: It will be revealed that a conservative Reagan nominee for the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration charged in his undergraduate thesis that Stop signs were an unconscionable governmental intrusion into a free society and that "Deer Crossing" signs were part of the liberal-bleeding heart conspiracy with headquarters in Havana.
Three magazine stories will be published, all saying basically what an all-around good job George Bush is doing as vice president. Within two weeks, six stories will be published about the troubles and the tensions between the president and the vice president. All six negative stories will quote, and accurately, "sources on the president's staff." The president will be angry and state publicly what a great job the vice president is doing and how much he, the president, likes and relies upon the vice president.
May: Some junior member of the House will upset both parties by pointing out that Taiwan has more people than 104 of the countries now in the United Nations and the United States should formally recognize Taiwan, "because it is there." The junior House member will be shunned by his elders.
Sen. Daniel Patrick Moynihan of New York will quip, in a speech before the Business-Labor Council to Preserve Iambic Pentameter, that "a voyager is a peeping Tom who's spent one or more semesters at a private eastern college." Mayor Jane Byrne will say that "a Walter Mondale-Moynihan ticket would carry Chicago by 3 to 1."
June: Attempts will be made to suppress a federal research study that shows conclusively that secondary cigarette smoke cures ringworm and clears up boils in laboratory animals.
One-third of the adult population of New Jersey will be sitting on or testifying before grand juries taking testimony on alleged kickbacks and payoffs in the awarding of cable television franchises. And that's only the first half, folks.