A Note to Our Customers:

This year we bring you our best wishes for a happy and prosperous Christmas and New Year. As you know, our buyers are always alert to finding the original, the different, the exotic, the unique. With every year this task becomes more difficult; and as the consumer becomes more discerning, we at Neiman-Marcus must become ever more enterprising and imaginative. Giving you the best of our creative spirit is a tradition at our store, and thus we joyfully present our new 1982 Christmas Catalog to you.

No. 105 HIS & HER HEAT-SEEKING MISSILES:

The weapons were procured from one of this country's most prestigious arms merchants, renowned as much for its technological prowess as for its magnanimous support of members of Congress, regardless of political affiliation. Although sold as a pair, these missiles are independently targetable and may be mounted on F15 bomb racks, which appeared two years ago in our 1980 catalog. Tipped with gem- quality industrial diamonds, they are not intended for use against civilian targets without prior congressional consent. -- $250,000. (Price includes Joint Resolution of Congress. Residents of Libya add 4 percent sales tax.)

No. 127 YELLOWSTONE NATIONAL PARK:

Several years ago Neiman-Marcus offered for sale a private island where you could realize your most glorious dreams. The response to that item was so great that this year, when many of our country's national parks were made available by Interior Secretary James Watt, our store eagerly sought to acquire the very best. This year we proudly offer Yellowstone National Park. This great national treasure and geological masterpiece, filled with mountains, forests, rivers, lakes and geysers, may be enjoyed for its scenic beauty or simply for the rich oil and mineral deposits that are contained therein. Spoil someone you love, and nature too, with this wonderful gift. -- $3,500,000. Principals only. Environment impact statement available on request.

No. 402 THE J. EDGAR HOOVER RECORD & TAPE COLLECTION:

We at Neiman-Marcus are always looking for novel gift ideas. So recently we asked our team of in-house counsel to suggest a really special item. By using several little-known and previously unlitigated sections of the Freedom of Information Act, our lawyers were able to obtain, for the first time ever, the favorite recordings of our country's greatest FBI director. Like a naturalistic artist who can blend in unobtrusively with his surroundings, the late director, unencumbered by bulky recording devices or search warrants, was able to capture the very private moments of some of this country's most respected leaders. You'll enjoy listening to what had previously been available to only a select group of Justice Department and U.S. intelligence officials Many of Mr. Hoover's carefully chosen subjects had to pay millions of dollars for these recordings, but today they are available to you at a fraction of their original cost. The quality of these recordings is so fine and clear, you'll swear you're in the next motel room. -- $150,000 (Shipping weight: 237 metric tons. Price FOB, Suitland, Md.)

No. 671 COMMAND PERFORMANCE: YASSER ARAFAT & MENACHEM BEGIN in NEIL SIMON'S "THE ODD COUPLE":

How many evenings have you spent in the theater distracted by noisy and quarrelsome crowds? For one time only, a multinational peacekeeping force will help you enjoy, in relative quiet, these two recognized actors in a spirited new version of the Neil Simon classic. Mr. Arafat has recently returned unharmed from a tour of world capitals, and for those of you who missed Mr. Begin in "Semite Tough," it's the opportunity of a lifetime. The PLO leader portrays Oscar, here a zany West Bank mayor, while the prime minister stars as the obsessively orderly Felix, who spends most of his time mopping up in Lebanon. Now, we can' ait guarantee the legitimate rights of the Palestinians, or even secure borders, but we can assure you a wonderful evening of theater. By the time the night is over you'll be crying, "Peace Now!" -- $375,000. (At our Beirut store only. Price does not include transportation or air support.)