Midway we pause in the Reagan age, To survey decisions, suspect and sage, Rules withdrawn, bureaucrats banished And a handful of superstars who've vanished. Say goodbye to Alex Haig 'n' His tilt toward Menachem Begin. He sought to quit just one more time, Fainted to hear his boss say, "Fine." In came Shultz of Bechtel fame. (He worried less about his name.) Instead he found he could finesse The nasty pipeline sanctions mess. The torch was passed at Energy, 'Cause they couldn't kill the agency. Jim Edwards left, but he's not sour. The new man's Mr. Bonneville Power. At Transportation, Lewis drew A new job with a TV crew. And Weidenbaum just couldn't stay To lead the pack at the CEA. Farewell, too, to Robert Nimmo, Couldn't live without his limo. Skipped a special Veterans Day (Played a round of golf that way). Some secretaries do stay on: Schweiker, Dick, and Regan, Don. Ray Donovan's back on the job. The probe says: "No ties to the mob." At Education, the right wing's bane, Ted Bell hangs on, but with some pain. William Clohan got the boot For Gary Jones, styled more to suit The Loftons, Vigueries and other souls Who keep Ron's feet upon the coals. (If not, then Dennis LeBlanc's for hire To chop some wood for Reagan's fire.) John Block plowed under Norman Berg, His save-the-soil man. But we've heard The bureaucrats were glad to see Kozinski out at MSPB. Smith was miffed at all the welter Rising over his tax shelter, So did a bit of ocean hopping To chart the battle on the poppy. To Sam Pierce, who is at a loss On why blacks can't abide his boss. (He had to look hard from the start To find the likes of B. Sam Hart!) For Watt, environmentalists can hope-- His one shot missed the antelope! He's turned his buffalo around, But spent the campaign here in town Not on the hustings--and no wonder! He'd sell their platforms out from under. Mac Baldrige has a big role played, Judging the worth of foreign trade. But Pete McCoy's the left-out jurist Unless the pipeline brings in tourists. Ed Meese, Jim Baker cannot stand it Always being called the bandit. And Deaver scans affairs of state But makes more bread by shedding weight. So how much longer will we see The White House run by the Big Three? Hail Maxine Savitz, Seeley Lodwick, Dorcas Hardy, Matthew Novick, Richard Lyng, and Kusserow, Dick, Tribble, Joe, and Charles Z. Wick. Chris DeMuth and Dickenson, Russ, Nancy Steorts and Joshua Muss. William Webster, Carruthers, Garrey, Auchter, Thorne, and Walters, Harry. Raymond Peck, John A. Svahn, Arthur Teele, Pedro Sanjuan J. Lynn Helms and Tardy, Judy, James C. Miller, Guiliani, Rudy. John Todhunter, Alan Hill, Harper, Ed, McMillan, Bill. To John Gingles, if you're still hired (Three times Watt tried to get him fired!) To Kaufman, Hugh, we give a whistle, (And how he makes the EPA bristle!) Justice made things a bit less rosy For paperwork-cutter Jim J. Tozzi. And Joe Wright must have quite a time Keeping his IGs all in line. To Carmen, who likes to keep things neat And cuts their space to 12 square feet. While Giuffrida, T.C. Jones Ignore the antinuclear moans "To keep intact your minds and souls When bombs are dropped, just dig some holes! With spades enough and also dirt Radiation cannot hurt." To folks who want to freeze the nukes, But earn the president's rebukes. He says, "The Reds are all behind it, If stockpiles grow, we shouldn't mind it." In weapons spending he will try The biggest brass to mollify. To army, navy, each will get some, For subs, Peacekeeper and the B1. What of MX? Should we mind If the Joint Chiefs can't get behind One plan on where to put the thing? Why not in a line? Why not in a ring? If all else fails, try Buchwald's way On Amtrak trains let missiles stay. And now a verse to Reynolds, Brad, Whose lawyers said that they had had Enough of cutting back on rights And filing suits to help out whites. That failed to stop his Rights Division From changing all its old positions. Salute for fiery Sarah's sake The female appointments Reagan did make. Some with which NOW can't agree Borcherdt, Wendy; Jepsen, Dee. Let Alan Greenspan lead us back To Social Security ink that's black. If Congress and the Prez agree There's hope for all the elderly.
And greetings now, J. Peter Grace. Those business types sure set the pace! They've got great schemes, without a doubt, They just won't let the word get out. To the folks now tending legal aid (And what big bucks they all get paid!) Farewell to lawsuits called class action Hail the new conservative faction. A few words now, but not too much On the acid reign of Anne Gorsuch. She'll go to jail to make her case For executive priv'lege and hazardous waste. (But Doonesbury won't be there to tell How well she likes her prison cell.) Here's to agencies ling'ring on After Reaganauts had wanted them gone: BATF, Energy, And tiny ATBCB. P'rhaps the Hill can find a way To separate Archives from GSA. A toast to regs, present and due, Remember 94-142 (Disability rules that died a-borning When Congress and the world gave warning). For handicapped folks there's more in store: Brand new rules called 504. To trial balloons that caused such snits, Like taxing jobless benefits. They'll put their chocolate milk instead In food packs for the underfed. The tax reform bill sounded sexy, But gave the right wing apoplexy. So did the nickel fee on gas, Helms kept us here 'til nigh Christmas. Out with the theory that once was in That held that deficits were a sin. $200 billion? The sky's the limit. If it builds defense, we shouldn't trim it. But wait, there's more, at least two years, Of user fees and free marketeers. So stick with us, just wait and see What's in store for '83: Shy Dave Stockman will take a wife And maybe Cap will find his knife. But '82 is running short, A Happy New Year.
--The Federal Report