So you woke this morning knowing you had to go to the Super Bowl. You have no plane ticket, no game ticket and no sense of restraint. You've called in sick, cashed in your life insurance and plan to airmail yourself west like a Joe Theismann "Hail Mary" pass.
How do you do it?
No problem. Every travel agent, bus company and cabdriver has a deal, and they're trading plane rides and grandstand tickets around here like pork belly futures.
Call Nazli Weiss at the Ask Mr. Foster Travel Service and she'll put you on a United Airlines 747 leaving Dulles at 9 a.m. Friday, bed you down at the Pacifica Hotel in Los Angeles for two nights, get you to and from the game with a box lunch and even prop you up at a pregame clinic taught by somebody like Hank Stram (or some other past or present pro football coach). Just $675.
Plus tickets, of course. They're selling around Washington at the moment for $200. Apiece.
"Two hundred dollars!" says Trudy Gass at Village Travel in Bethesda, which has a $529 plane ride. "And people are paying it! I can't believe this craziness."
"You have a very enthusiastic group here," says Tony Casias, vice president and general manager of East/West Travel & Tours in San Diego. "Redskin fans are a breed apart."
Casias will wing you west for $579 on a three-day, two-night "Tailgate in the Sky" extravaganza that pours you into Pasadena by way of San Diego, with optional tours to Tijuana and Marineland.
And forget those $99 flights to the Coast. You probably can't even get past the airlines' busy signals. Those seats were sold before Dexter Manley tipped that Cowboy pass into Darryl Grant's happy hands Saturday afternoon.
But if cash is short you have a couple of options. You can fly with Loren Edwards of Mooresville, N.C. The bad news is that you need $695 up front. The good news is that the price includes a game ticket and an overnight in Las Vegas, where you might win it back. The betting line there favors the Dolphins by three.
You can also go the red-eye route--$424--a no-frills, round-the-clock airborne party sponsored by East Coast Parlor Tours.
You leave Dulles (hopefully well rested) at 6 a.m. Sunday in a charter DC10 and follow the sun westward, with meal service and a cash bar, and land at 8:30 a.m. Los Angeles time. You get a bus ride to the stadium, an optional "pregame victory celebration," a bus back to the plane afterward for a 10 p.m. departure and you land back at Dulles at 6 a.m. Monday in time to go to work.
If you need a ticket, you do that on your own. More than three dozen want ads in The Post yesterday ballyhooed tickets at prices ranging from $50 ("The tickets have been sold," said the the answering machine) to "best offer."
"Best offer" means $200 or better to George Johnson of Falls Church, who stood in line starting at 6 a.m. Sunday. He still had his two tickets last night, but probably won't for long.
One ad yesterday offered to "swap Hawaii Beach front condo for tickets between 30 & 50 yard line." San Francisco mortgage banker Joe Donlan says he's actually not trading the condo itself, just use of it: one week's stay in a two-bedroom condo on the beach at Kauai for four tickets.
"But I'm not paying air fare out there, you understand," he said. "I mean, I'm a 'Skins fan, but there are limits."
Donlan says Super Bowl tickets can be had on the streets of San Francisco and Los Angeles for about $50 "because there aren't any West Coast teams in it" but he's holding out for prime seats. He's run his ad in the Miami papers, too, "but I tell 'em I'm for Washington. Really makes 'em mad."
Those Redskin fans who actually make the trip will need accessories, and in addition to the usual buttons and banners, some special items are on the market.
A store called Record Collections in Bethesda is offering 45 rpm records of "Hail to the Redskins" by "the Redskins Show Orchestra, Sammy Streiver conducting." Only $3.
Fred Burton of Silver Spring is offering something for the Redskin fan who has everything: the Dallas Cowboys' 1982 kicking net, priced at only $2,000.
Burton's son Fred says the net ("big heavy old thing") is the same one with which Cowboys placekicker Rafael Septien last Sunday practiced the game-winning field goal he never got to kick.
"My dad's an usher at RFK Stadium," said Burton. "The Dallas equipment manager gave it to him. Didn't want to take it back. Said they were getting a new one."
No takers yet for the net, but there's one spot for it that should be perfect: center aisle in the DC10 chartered by Redskins owner Jack Kent Cooke to carry him, D.C. Mayor Marion Barry and 357 other Redskin well-wishers to Pasadena.
If Cooke doesn't ask you along there are still alternatives. For those with fear of flying, Amtrak will get you into training for $465 round trip. Leave tomorrow night, change in Chicago, get to L.A. at 6:45 a.m. Sunday. Or you can hop the Greyhound for $199 round trip direct to Pasadena. Change in Pittsburgh and Barstow, Calif.
As a last resort, you can rent a Hertz car at the weekend rate of $21.99 per day (plus gas and tickets), and drive forever.
Unlimited mileage, but you'd better leave soon.