The Democrats have chosen San Francisco for their 1984 convention site despite the fears of many that the nationally televised event will prove a little weird:

WELCOME DEMOCRATS!

We hope you enjoy your stay in our absolutely marvelous city and this absolutely marvelous hotel. To help make this the most absolutely marvelous National Democratic Convention ever, please take note of the following:

Bedrolls--The Burmese bedrolls in this hotel are made of the finest shredded Tung nut fiber. When you roll them up in the morning for storage in your room's incense cabinet, please roll them in a clockwise rather than counter-clockwise direction or it will bring bad luck.

If you prefer something more substantial to sleep on, the hotel has a limited number of fakir nail beds from India.

Boom Boom--The absolutely marvelous Sister Boom Boom will autograph convention programs and credentials between 5 a.m. and 7 a.m. every morning in the lobby abattoir.

Snakes--Snakes are permitted in hotel bathrooms only.

Whale Rally--The California Nazi Party will hold a Save the White Whale "Moby Dick" book burning rally at noon Sunday in Buena Vista Park.

Hollings--The Gays for Hollings prayer breakfast scheduled for Tuesday has been cancelled for lack of participants.

Cable Cars--Many delegates looked forward to riding in San Francisco's famed cable cars. Unfortunately, the federally funded cable car renovation project was cancelled by the Reagan administration and the cars were shipped to El Salvador for use in steep hillside counterinsurgency operations. However, Mayor Feinstein has been able to arrange for free motorized rickshaw service, courtesy of the San Francisco Hell's Angels.

Guns--The Bay area Marxist- Leninist Gun Club has announced it will shoot on sight any Hell's Angel carrying a firearm not made with union labor.

Sing and Drum--The Free Ginny Foat Committee Glee Club will sing madrigals at the Anyone For Mondale Reception Sunday night in the revolving restaurant atop the St. Francis Hotel.

Bennett--Mayor Feinstein has declared Tony Bennett the official singer of "I Left My Heart in San Francisco" during convention festivities, beginning with the Anti-Transplant League demonstration outside Phil's 24-Hour Funeral Parlor.

Switch--The broadcast of the Machos Against Glenn "Draft Feinstein for Veep Before She Strikes Again" S and M Picnic has been moved from "The MacNeil-Lehrer Report" to ABC's "This Week With David Brinkley." Also, the National Democratic Committee general membership meeting scheduled for Friday has been moved to Seattle.

Check-out--Remember, hotel check-out time in San Francisco is 3 a.m.