Education has become a national concern, and we here in Los Angeles are, like, totally concerned. One of the ways we are showing our radical commitment to a better way of learning for young and old Angelenos is to start our own private institutions of higher learning to supplement the highly deficient state university system.

My particular favorite new private university is "The LA Course Network," a real genuine multi-site university that offers a variety of courses of special importance in today's times in today's city, L.A. These courses say so much about what education means in the golden land that they should no longer be kept a secret. Herewith a few select courses as listed in the summer/fall catalogue ("inside over 65 easy courses including . . ."), some of which confer credits transferable to the once august University of California system. Hold on to your boogie board and learn what really counts in the world today.

First of all, in the section of courses "For Women Only," there is course F204, Visiting Singles Bars and Liking it: "This funfilled 'undercover' tour will teach you the way to handle yourself at a singles bar so you can meet whoever you want. You will also be introduced to several fabulous watering holes in one of the hottest parts of the city. And also what a great way for women to meet each other!"

F201, How To Make A Man Fall In Love With You: "This course will tell women what men REALLY want, even though they won't always admit it . . . surefire techniques for keeping and holding a man's interest . . . how to 'research a man'; how to beat out the competition, when to be aggressive and when to be compliant, types of men and how to recognize and handle them."

Leaving the "For Women Only" category, the same teachers also cover H201, How To Treat A Woman. The teachers rush in where analysts fear to tread. Course description as follows: "Freud asked 'What do women want?' This class is designed to tell you exactly what women want and how to treat them so you can get what you want." (After all, what did Freud know?) "It will tell you the psychology of what women want in a man, how to use the right 'buzz' words women want to hear."

(The teachers, masters of Freud's failed efforts at psychology, are listed as "lecturers and broadcasters and authors of books" without further specification.)

A more elegantly credentialed teacher, holding degrees from Yale and Bryn Mawr, working as a personal consultant and lecturer in the field of success motivation and money ("She has quadrupled her income in four years using simple prosperity techniques.") offers a more elegant course: H/204, How to Marry Money.

Course description: "Look, it's just as easy to marry a rich one as a poor one, right? . . . Learn techniques for finding and attracting that person who has all the qualities you are looking for . . . and all the money, too!"

Yet another course urgently needed to redress America's faltering educational balance is H/205, Chutzpah. The teacher, whose credentials are that ". . . (she) has influenced the way people think, feel, and act for over a decade . . ." describes her course: "Chutzpah is daring, nerve, risk-taking, and guts. It's also style flair, charm, and wit. . . ."

Lest you think that the LACN is only interested in the mind, set your brain at rest. There are also courses for cultivating corpore sano: L201, On Your Way To A Tighter Stomach and Buns. The course really needs no further explanation, except that if you schedule carefully, you can also get in L204, Singles Bicycle Mini Tour and Ultra-Lite Planning, L202.

Communications skills are said by some worrywarts to be declining, along with self-confidence. Both problems can be addressed easily by course C205, How To Become a Best-Selling Author-- ". . . Books are now promoted, hyped, and packaged like other products. . . . In this course, you will learn how to conceive a marketable idea, choose a best-selling title and subject, move into film and television tie-ins and more. . . . If you're serious about wanting to sell what you write, don't miss this one."

Finally, if all of the above show retrograde, small thinking unsuited to your general ambitions and needs, how about M200, Making Money? "Participants will receive an infallible road map to financial independence and learn the four laws which govern money as well as the secret to unlimited wealth. Some of the immediate benefits are an increased income, reduction in money-related stress, expanded imagination and great enjoyment. . . By the end of this class, students will have the tools to double and triple their money."

Not only that, but you can put the tuition on your Visa or MasterCard.