If the Democratic Party were your neighbors, you would have called the police by now.
They are having a festival of recriminations -- yelling and throwing things at each other because of what happened Nov. 6.
Each day brings bitter bulletins. The same morning they read about the nasty quarrel in the House Democratic Caucus over the chairmanship of the House Budget Committee -- blacks charged racism -- they also read about a new round of dregs being served their recent ticket: Walter F. Mondale fined by the Federal Election Commission for exceeding campaign spending limits; Geraldine A. Ferraro found in violation of House disclosure rules.
The fleeting challenge to House Speaker Thomas P. (Tip) O'Neill Jr. (D-Mass.) by an obscure right-wing Texan spoke of the regional fissures that have cracked open in the wake of defeat. Virginia Gov. Charles S. Robb announced that being a Democrat has become "socially unacceptable" for many white males.
Robb made his uncharacteristically intemperate remarks as a contribution to the developing unpleasantness over the choice of a new Democratic National Committee chairman.
Democratic governors are making considerable noise from the stands, but they have no horse in the race. Their first choice, Scott M. Matheson, outgoing governor of Utah, declined. Their second, Terry Sanford, president of Duke University and onetime North Carolina governor, is not a new face.
Six self-starters are peddling their wares among the members of the Democratic National Committee and the power brokers. Party Treasurer Paul Kirk of Massachusetts, who has a reputation for industry and integrity, would be front-runner were it not for his longtime association with Sen. Edward M. Kennedy (D-Mass.). Absent a vow by Kennedy that he will not seek the Democratic presidential nomination, Kirk remains suspect to some.
Former California state chairman Nancy Pelosi has the endorsement of New York Gov. Mario M. Cuomo but no wide support. Bob Keefe, pilot of Ohio Sen. John Glenn's 1984 presidential bid, is seen by some as an agent for his associate and friend former DNC chairman Robert S. Strauss.
Duane Garrett, a wealthy California attorney and art collector, raised a great deal of money for Mondale but is not well-known.
The claims of John Cavanaugh, former House member from Nebraska, and DNC Commiteewoman Sharon Pratt Dixon of Washington, are considered marginal.
The governors are demanding to be heard, but since their message is unclear, Cuomo suggests that they pipe down: "If you have nothing to say, don't raise your hand. It's a time to be thinking, not talking."
Cuomo advances the heretical thought that until the party can decide what should be done, it should ask incumbent Charles T. Manatt to stay.
The Senate Democrats do not have a candidate for the chairmanship. And for once, they are having nothing to say. They are worried about another possible civil war. Sen. Robert C. Byrd (D-W.Va.) chose Sen. George Mitchell Jr. (D-Maine) as chairman of the Democratic Senatorial Campaign Committee, but Sen. J. Bennett Johnston (D-La.), backed by seething southerners, may oppose him.
The House has a horse, but one hobbled by party rules. He is Rep. Tony Coelho (D-Calif.), zestful chairman of the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee. He is quick and sometimes wicked at pointing out partisan differences.
Coelho also appreciates the machinery it takes these days to win election.
Coelho has a wide range of support -- from Boll Weevil Rep. Buddy Roemer (D-La.) to ultra-progressive Rep. Barney Frank (D-Mass.).
DNC rules forbid the chairmanship to an elected official. There is talk of making Coelho "super chairman" and letting someone like Kirk run the daily operation.
Democrats hope the selection of a new voice can be resolved peacefully. But they doubt it. They expect to be chewing at each other for some time.