I am moving out of dollars. I am repositioning myself, anticipating a decline in the dollar and a subsequent increase in the price of gold. I will not buy gold, though. I will instead put my money into comestibles, durables and, if the truth be known, porchables. I will have it painted and repair the leak in its roof.
I am doing what I always have done, which is spend more money than I earn, usually on such things as food, adult toys and fixing up the house. I find it so much more comforting, though, to think of myself as a corporation and adopt business jargon. Thus, I am not about to have the phone cut off and my Master Card lifted. I am experiencing a negative cash flow.
With my negative cash flow, I have moved boldly into debt equity. Actually, I have always been in debt equity. My entire family, going all the way back to 1302, has been in debt equity. They were such pioneers in debt equity that during the Depression there were days when men came in moving vans to remove dollar-denominated assets from the house.
Those days are now gone. Over the years, we have leveraged the purchase of some durables while managing to stay, in a modest way, liquid. This was the case even though the merger of my uncle Mike with that notorious raider, Sylvia, ended in divorce, forcing him to de-acquire certain assets at the pawnshop. This ruined his growth plan because he always thought the marriage was do-able, but it was not and ended, as these things do, with a golden parachute for Sylvia and a bicarbonate of soda for Mike.
As for me, I have decided to take a big position in a new couch. The old one has depreciated to the point the stuffing is coming out, and so I have exercised my option to increase my negative cash flow, move even more out of dollars, reposition myself and attempt afriendly takeover of a nice number that maybe folds out into a bed.
While others worry about debts and bank collectors calling in the night, I see myself as the T. Boone Pickens of my set, and when the man calls to remind me that my Visa payment is late, I assure him I know all about it, that I am having liquidity problems, anticipate a much better third quarter and have reduced inventory. In short, the check is in the mail.
I think strategically about my investment mix even though, to be perfectly truthful, I don't have an investment mix. I use, as First Jersey says in its ads, "innovative, asset-based financing techniques" and, from time to time, a Ouija board. It's not for nothing that I outperform my peers, that my mix of long- term debt and short-term debt is at a historic high, that my annual yield has been maximized and that if you gets a little drunk you lands in jail.
There is a downside to all this. More than anything I fear greenmail, poison pills and a hostile takeover, although why anyone would want two sex- crazed guinea pigs, a gerbil and a dog so dumb he paws the door to go out and then forgets why he wanted to go is beyond me. Raiders are irrational, though. So being prudent, I'm buying up my own stock, lowering my profile, calling in my debentures, refinancing and seeking additional funding.
In other words, can you lend me five?