'Tis New Year's and in Washington,
The Congress has at last gone home.
The halls are hushed, the gavels still;
It's peaceful up there on the Hill.
But hark! A wail begins to rise,
And soon is joined by other cries
From deep within the fed'ral bowels,
A chorusing of anguished howls!
The moans! the shrieks! the caterwaulings!
They've just perused Gramm-Rudman-Hollings.
For lo! Ahead lies '86.
The deficit still needs a fix.
From Pentagon to humble bureau,
The budget cuts must be quite thorough.
Close down Amtrak! SBA, too!
Sell off the animals in the zoo!
We've no idea what will survive,
So, quick! A toast to '85.
The last for good champagne, we fear,
'Cause the new year promises only beer.
Skoal, David Stockman! Free at last
To tell the truth without bombast.
But not to newsmen will he feed it.
We'll have to buy his book to read it.
Jim Miller's now at OMB,
And brought the gang from FTC.
(Seems fair that Wendy Gramm, Phil's wife,
Should get a chance to wield the knife.)
A toast to those who, in absentia,
Will miss the coming year's dementia!
Cheers, Bud McFarlane! T.H. Bell!
We lift our glass in fond farewell.
A hearty swig for Bill P. Clark,
And Donovan, Ray, who did debark.
To Maggie Heckler, tip your cup,
Her ouster's called a big step up.
Here's mud in your eye, Don Devine!
(For that we'll have to get in line.)
Farewell to Lawrence Davenport 'n'
Maybe also Ag's John Norton.
(His farm's in trouble, of a sort,
'Cause he can't collect his crop support.)
To Richards, both Lyng and DeLauer,
Who stepped down from the seat of power.
Mike Deaver! Mary Ann Gilleece!
Swelling the ranks of consultancies!
George Keyworth! John V. Byrne! and more
Who slipped into th' revolving door.
'Til fate returns you back this way,
Cheers! Cheers to all this New Year's Day!
Now fill your glass with something strong
To salute the Cabinet's merry throng.
Hail, Liddy Dole! Sam Pierce! Bill Brock!
Will the farm bill save our man John Block?
Prosit, Mac Baldrige! Don Hodel!
We hope your new year is quite swell.
To those who joined the crew, willkommen!
Like William Bennett and Otis Bowen,
John Herrington at DOE,
And Baker, James, at Treasury.
To George P. Shultz, who's known to hate
The polygraphs in store for State.
Lest folks mistake him for a spy,
Says he, "I'll quit! And that's no lie!"
Poor Cap the Knife is feeling low.
He missed the Ron and Gorby Show.
But sent by mail his final pleas:
"Don't give my Star Wars up with ease!"
To Edwin Meese! Clap hands! Stomp feet!
He takes his Constitution neat
And distrusts change in any guise,
(Like innocent 'til proved otherwise.)
To the White House crew! Hooray! Heigh-ho!
From South Lawn to North Portico.
They keep up their frenetic pace
Inside their concrete carapace.
Cheers, Regan, Don! Your summit gaffe
Gave all the women quite a laugh.
On "throw weights" you're a whiz, we see.
Can you say "lightweight" after me?
George Bush! Not yet the nominee
But billing his polls to the RNC.
Hail, Pat Buchanan, of bristly texture!
And to both Johns, Svahn and Poindexter.
To Jenefer Hirshberg, whose stay was brief.
To Elaine Crispen! And, good grief,
To Lucky! Let's all toss a scrap!
(He didn't fit on Nancy's lap.)
In '86 will it be told?
That half the judiciary's from Ron's mold?
If your job's a bore, just be a judge!
(Though we bet Mike Horowitz won't budge.)
But Danny Boggs leaves Energy,
Jane Roth the Senate wives' coterie,
And Alex Kozinski is clearly a cinch
'Cause at MSPB he was thought a big grinch.
Cheers to the cap'tal's literary set!
Anne Burford, "Are You Tough Enough" yet?
Perhaps a trip to the Arlington jail
Will add a postscript to your tale.
James Watt gave his "courage" a look,
But won't get a million for his book
Like G. Ferraro and Tip O'Neill
(And, of course, Stockman's cushy deal).
Salud to OPM's Constance Horner!
Farewell to Archivist Robert Warner!
And Michael Burch and George Jaszi,
Georgina Sheldon, Faith Whittlesey.
But some survive among the horde.
Like Beryl Sprinkel, Ford B. Ford.
To Darman, Dick, we doff our hat,
And to Anne Graham and Korten, Pat.
Now get your glass and fill it full
For public servants, one and all.
To Marty McSteen! Keeping payees at bay
While debugging computers at SSA.
To IRS, the Philly region!
Whose troubles last year were so legion.
Jug wine's the drink for FDA's crew!
(We hope, though, no sulfites get through.)
And pass the veggies to OSHA's varlets
Who said farm workers need no toilets.
Make haste to toast the Synfuels group!
'Cause soon they'll have to close up shop.
Hail, whistle blowers! E'er vigilant
For signs of fed'ral funds misspent.
There'll be a need for your persistence
Long as General Dynamics is in existence.
And here's a toast for this year's spies
Who forgot to file their FOIs.
(So widespread was their industry,
It showed up in the GNP.)
To FEMA and MSHA and Bureau of Rec!
To folks who write up the government spec!
To APHIS, safeguarding the health of our plants,
To the people who pass out the sewerage grants.
To regs reviewed, to laws enacted,
And presidential words redacted.
To all who make up the Washington mixture,
Like lawyers and lobbyists and political tricksters.
Hail, Congress! the White House! the Supreme Court!
May your new year be happy!