Whoowee, did Dick Szymanski get steamed when he got wind of a Washington TV report that the Baltimore Colts, who Szymanski manages, had offered (in vain) a third-round draft choice to the Redskins for Billy Kilmer!

"Under no circumstances would we take Billy Kilmer," Szymanski told the Baltimore Sun. "I don't know where Sonny Jurgensen got his information, but it is not true... Kilmer couldn't start for the Redskins last year. Why should we want him, even as a backup to Bert Jones?"

Ken Stabler, a coltish 33 to Kilmer's 39, has gone one step beyond his recent vow to quarter-back out his Oakland contract and go on from there in 1982 -- now the Snake has instructed his lawyer, Henry Pitts of Selma, Ala., to this effect:

Henry, you get on the horn and tell those Raider ingrates I don't want to play for them no more; "I just don't appreciate being blasted by Mr. (Boss A1) Davis, I don't have to work under these conditions, and I won't." And lawyer Pitts added, "He feels it's in his best interest and the best interest of the Raiders that he be traded and allowed to go somewhere else." Preferably, in said, Atlanta, Tampa Bay, Los Angeles -- or the N.Y. Giants, whose new coach, Ray Perkins, was a 'Bama teammate of Stabler. But Stabler wasn't too specific: "I don't want the commisioner accusing me of tampering or something."

Follow-up on suspension of sophomore scoring ace DeWayne Scales from LSU's NCAA tourney-bound Tigers for letting an agent talk him into forsaking team play to impress the pros: The interloper is supposed to have told Scales the Washington Bullets were interested, $1 million worth. So the New York Times called Bullet G.M. Bob Ferry, who said he had received a call from an "Andrew Benson" (unknown to NBA or player association brass) of Houston on Tuesday. "He wanted to know if I would be interested in Scales. I never met this man Benson and I need a big forward now like I need a hold in the head"...

Laz Barrera, thoroughbred racing's leading trainer in money-winnings this year campaigning mostly at Santa Anita, underwent open heart surgery yesterday in L.A. Initial reports had his condition stable, his family "absolutely jubilant," that he should be out of intensive care in about three days. Barrera, 54, trained Affirmed, 1978 Triple Crown winner, and previously had the Kentucky Derby winner Canonero II; if he had any prime contenders for this year's Triple Crown, we haven't heard of it -- but racing needs him back...

What's cooking today: Lunch at Touchdown Club, $7.50, noon, with old-time NHL Hall of Famer Ching Johnson balancing the hustling, young Capitals who are guests of honor.