A female sportswriter tried to enter the Cub locker room after the opening game but was turned away by General Manager Bob Kennedy, a man of old-fashioned virtue.
This has become a recurring issue in the world of sports, as more and more women enter the sportswriting field and demand the same rights as male sports reporters.
As the manager of a saloon-league softball team, I have decided to confront this issue. So I recently had a team meeting and asked the players to decide whether they want female reporters in the locker room after our games.
Dwarf Weigel, one of my outfielders, was the first to speak.
"I believe that the courts have held that it is wrong to discriminate against female persons. I respect our court system. Laws are the foundation of our society. Therefore, as a law-abiding person, if a female demands her right to come into our locker room after a game to gaze upon my naked bod, I am not going to defy the courts. God bless America."
He was joined in this liberal view by Frog Legs Jacobowski, a star in-fielder, who said:
"I think we should also make it our policy to let them come into our locker room before a game. After a game, by body is sweaty and dusty and my feet are dirty. But before a game, I am nice and clean. I would just as soon the female persons see me at my very best."
A dissenting view came from Moose Gendusa at first baseman, who said: "I don't want any female persons in the locker room. I am very shy around females. Even as a baby, I insisted that my diapers be changed by a male nurse. So I believe it is my constitutional right to take off my clothes, inclding my underwear, without being subjected to the embarrassing gaze of some female person whose acquaintance I have not made."
Gimpy Gould, another outfielder, responded:
"But there is no reason to be embarrassed by her gaze. You should not think of her as a female person. You should think of her only as a journalist seeking a story."
Moose answered: "That's easy to say. But how will I know what she is thinking? She might be asking me, 'Why did you drop that throw from shortstop? while she is really thinking, 'What a puny specimen he is'."
"But she might not be thinking that at all, although she probably would be," said Dwarf Weigel. "And even if she is, what difference would it make?"
Moose answered: "What difference? If I'm always worried that some female person is thinking I am a puny speciment, I'll probably become impudent (sic) and have to go to an analyst to get cured."
Wall Eve Wally, the shortstop, said: "If you feel this way, then why don't you just keep your underwear on while she's interviewing you?"
"That would be even worse," said Moose. "If everybody else is walking around in the buff, and I keep my underwear on, then she is going to think I'm ashamed of myself, or have unnatural hangups, or that I have been in some kind of terrible accident, and that will make even more self-conscious."
"Not necessarily," said Wall Eye Wally. "I once read in Ann Landers' column that people can be turned on more by their imagination and what they don't see, than by seeing everything. So if you keep your underwear on, she might find you even more desirable."
"I hadn't thought of that," said Moose.
"Yeah," said Wally, "but just in case, I think you should stop getting your underwear from the war surplus store. I don't think most modern women care for olive drab knee-length underwear."
Hangnail Harry, the second baseman said: "Before we vote on this, I think we should clean up some details. For instance, we play most of our games at fields that don't have any kind of locker rooms, and we change our clothes in our cars or in the tavern's men's room or even in some bushes. So what do we do in these cases?"
Dwarf Weigel said: "Well, I think that we must interpret the intent of the court rulings interpret the intent of the court rulings to mean that a female person reporter should be able to interview us in a locker room or any substitute for a locker room. So if she wants to get in the car and talk to you while you are changing your pants, you should have to let her in the car or be in defiance of the courts."
"But what about when I change in the tavern men's room?" said Hangnail.
"I think she has the right to go in there, too," said Dwarf.
"But I thought it was against the law for a female person to go in the men's room." said Hangnail.
"That's is the local ordinance," said Dwarf. "And the federal courts take priority."
Moose said: "You mean that if I am changing my pants in some bushes, she can come there, too?"
"That's my interpretation of the law," said Dwarf.
"I don't know," said Moose. "What if a squad car goes by and the cops see me with my pants off in the bushes with some female person. What are they going to think?"
"Just tell them that you are being interviewed. You will be protected by the First Amendment."
"That's what my weird Uncle Louie told them," said Moose, "and he's doing three years in Stateville prison."
Anyway, my team voted by a show of hands, feet and other appendages, and it was almost unanimous-we will be the first Chicago athletic team to allow female journalists in our locker room. Not only after games, but before games. And even during the off-season.