Counselor for the Panama City chapter of Diet Workship at her weekly meeting: "Okay, class, we've just been through a tough week, what with Thanksgiving feasts and all. So let's 'fess up -- who went off their diets and why? Who's first?"
Man: "I try to be good on Thanksgiving . . . but the whole family came down, and I went crazy. I ate everyting . . . the sweet potatoes I ate could hvae sunk a boat in the canal. The pies. Don't ask me about the pies. I feel awful today. I promise I'll do better at Christmas."
Counselor: "Thank you for being so honest. How about you, lady?
Lady: "Well, I get on the bus, to go downtown, feeling real good about myself. I got my token out for the bus and the bus driver says to me, 'hey fat-so, you ain't gettin' on this bus with one token. You takin' up two seats, you payin' two tokens.' I got so mad I walked across the street into the ice cream parlor and I say, 'gimmie the works.' I am so sorry."
Counselor: "Thank you for sharing your unhappiness with us. Now Roberto, how was your week?"
"Roberto: "Not so good."
Counselor: "Tell the class what happened, Roberto."
Roberto: "Well, you know, you all gave me a goal of 147 pounds two months ago when I was weighing closs to 170 and couldn't fit into any of my clothes. Even my lion said to me, 'Roberto, you are fat.' My wife, she agreed with the lion. She says to me, 'I hear all that mocho stuff about you. Macho? All I see is mucho fat.' So, that's when I join The Program and you tell me you either get down to 147, or I can't beat up on Sugar Ray again."
Counselor: "Roberto, you went to Miami, worked the speed bag, heavy bag, snarled at reporters, followed our program (three meats a week, eight-ounce servings, no sweets, plenty of fish and chicken, vegetables, fruit) and looked great."
Roberto: "And I felt great. I felt real good about myself. Even my beard was strong."
Counselor: "But tell us what happened last Tuesday in New Orleans?"
Roberto: "Well, at the weigh-in, I was terrific. Hit my goal of 147 on the head. Feeling gooood. Everyone says to me, 'Roberto, you look so good.' But all I can say is get me roome service or take me to Antoine's."
Counselor: "Roberto, why Antoine's, I thought you were on a seafood diet?"
Roberto: "You got it. That day, I see food and eat it."
Counselor: "What did you eat?"
Roberto: "Well, you know, we're allowed three meat meals a week on the diet . . . so I say to myself, what difference does it make if I have all three steaks the same day? And I did. That made me thirsty, so I drank a couple of thermos bottles of beef bouillon (legal on the program), lots of orange juice and tomato juice. And maybe a little piece of cake. Not a big piece; just a little piece."
Counselor: "But Roberto, you were supposed to fight in two hours, right?"
Roberto: "That's right, and I confess, my fellow dieters, I made the mistake of my life eating sooooooo much before that fight. I ate so much I felt lousy even before Ray Charles left the ring. I knew I was in trouble, and I said to my trainers between the first and second rounds: 'Don't tell me how to fight, just get me an Alka-Seltzer.' In the fifth I began to feel the way I used to before I went on The Program. I couldn't move. And there was Sugar Ray, who dosen't know from Our Problem, bouncing around like some skinny, fresh kid who never knew from a weight problem. In the seventh, I really began feeling lousy, you know, like in the summer at my beach parties when we roast the pig and eat the clams and drink beer. You all know the feeling. And Sugar Ray starts making fun of me, taunting, and all that Ali stuff. So, I say in the eighth: 'Sugar, some day you, too, will have a weight problem and you will know what I am going through.' But, tonight, I am the one with the problem and the only way to solve my problem is to get out of the ring. And I did."
Counselor: "Roberto, you were wrong. Just because you reached your goal of 147 didn't give you the license to go crazy. I hope you leared a lesson."
roberto: "I did, except the next morning the Breakfast Special was soooooo tempting. You know what I mean?"