In dog days like these, when it's normally so hot and sticky that you catch yourself fantasizing about being a package of frozen beans so you could curl up and take a nap in your own refrigerator, I find I get so discombobulated by the heat that my concentration wanders. During a conversation, I'll forget what I'm talking about, so I'll tend to repeat myself. I don't know if other people have the same problem with the heat, but I know sometimes during a conversation I'll actually forget what I'm talking about, and I'll tend to repeat myself.
Anyway, over the years the one thing that always seemed to snap me straight up and get my attention no matter how icky it was outside was something I first heard back in third grade, two little words that even now I can't hear without shivering a little bit:
You'll have five minutes to take this test. Anyone needing more time should report to Room 470 in the Washburn Building for extra study hall.
*Today is the two-week anniversary of The Great Baseball Strike of 1985, the leader in the clubhouse so far for the "Comet Kahoutek" award. Within 1,000, how many people can name and explain the main bargaining issues of the strike?
b) Fewer then none.
c) Much fewer than none.
*Donald Fehr, the players' man, and Lee MacPhail, the owners' man, addressed a news conference to tell people that the strike was over. (Those people on the West Coast who'd slept through the deadline and did not know the strike started had first to be told that there indeed had been a strike, but now it was, finally, over.) What did Fehr say to MacPhail just before the announcement?
a) "You don't have to say you love me, just be close at hand."
b) "Isn't this rich? Aren't we a pair? I might just do this again." (Lee: "You wouldn't dare."
c) "Bomp-buh-buh-bomp, buh-bomp-buh-bomp-bomp, buh-buh-bomp-buh-buh-bomp, buh-dang-duh-dang-dang, buh-dingy-dong-ding, blue moon."
*Dan Marino and Eric Dickerson still are holding out for more money, rather than reporting to training camp. Like other holdouts, they are threatening not to play all season if they don't get the contracts they want. What other jobs are they qualified for that would pay them $1 million per year?
b) Fewer than none.
c) Fewer than none.
*David Robertson, the Scottish golfer who has been banned from professional golf until the year 2005 because he repeatedly cheated during qualifying for last month's British Open, obviously needs a job. Assuming he can't make it as a quarterback for the Dolphins or a running back with the Rams, which of these college football programs seems best suited to a man of his talents?
*Yes, the Orioles are on a hot streak lately. And, no, it isn't too late to climb back into the pennant race. But before we start checking the numbers in the all-important loss column, whom have the Orioles beaten lately?
a) The 1927 Yankees.
b) The 1976 Reds.
c) The 1985 Indians and Rangers (combined record: 81-152).
*The Redskins might have inadvertently dug a hole for themselves with the necessarily dispassionate way they have handled the place-kicking competition between Mark Moseley and Tony Zendejas. By initially promoting the competition as if it were a 15-round bout at Caesars Palace, and, in general, treating the job with greater sensitivity and compassion than they are the men who are competing for it, the Redskins have gotten two kickers who thus far have kicked like slices of flank steak. If push comes to shove, who will kick for the Redskins this season?
a) Dale Castro.
b) Fidel Castro.
c) Bernadette Castro.
*Essay question: To make amends for the nasty things he said, Buddy Ryan, the Chicago Bears' defensive coach, has asked D.B. Kaplan's restaurant to name a sandwich for William (the Refrigerator) Perry. What should be in this sandwich?
*Bonus question: (This is true) There was a French report last week stating that Swen Nater "has pulled out of a transfer to (the) Spanish club Barcelona, for whom he was to play next season, after experiencing a holy vision telling him not to leave the United States." How many "Refrigerator" sandwiches does a person have to eat to see this vision?