Early yesterday morning, real early, when it was still pitch black outside, and the winds and rain were chomping on my roof, I was sitting anxiously on the hurricane watch, and I got to thinking about some of the truly important things in life, like what kind of tools did Noah use to build the ark, Black & Decker or Craftsman? Who picks out Charo's clothing? How many hours would it take to cook all the meat that was going to defrost if the power went out? And after it gets cooked, how many people would I have to invite over to eat it?
Question after question.
I felt bad because I didn't have any answers. But then I thought to myself, hey, who are you trying to impress? It's 4 a.m., and there's a hurricane going on. So which would you rather have, a turkey sandwich or all the answers?
Another question. See what I mean?
You're smart. You find the answers. Today I'm just asking the questions:
In honor of the recently and rapidly departed hurricane (Did you get a time on her for the 40?), before the Shadows of Knight version, who had the original hit with "Gloria?" And who was their lead singer?
What ever happened to Pete Rose?
Wasn't that thoughtful of Larry Holmes, taking the time to acknowledge the presence of Rocky Marciano's younger brother, Peter, and to remind him, "You are freeloading off your dead brother." Wouldn't Larry Holmes be good writing greeting cards? The Larry Holmes Collection: Roses are red/Violets are blue/Have you seen my bank account lately/So drop dead.
Does John McEnroe ever smile?
When the football coach at Columbia says, "Drop back 10 and punt," wouldn't you be better off to take two and hit to right?
In a philosophical sense, is it better to have the Washington Redskins going down the drain or the Chicago Bears coming up?
Who's going to win 300 games first, Phil Niekro or Dwight Gooden? (Or will the Yankees play Towson State?)
Why are they playing hockey now?
We're three weeks into the college football season. How can Oklahoma, which hasn't even played a game yet, be ranked No. 2 in the country? Shouldn't a team have to win one game in a calendar year to be in the top 10?
If you can't take the heat, shouldn't you stay out of Curtis Strong's catering kitchen?
First, Peter Ueberroth makes the direct appeal to the individual players to volunteer for drug testing. Then, after going to the dictionary and looking up the words "collective bargaining" and "labor law," he decides to try submitting his plan to the union. If the union turns him down, where does he turn next, to Judge Wapner?
How scary is Dwight Gooden? With a couple of starts left, he's 23-4, with a 1.51 ERA and 258 strikeouts. In the last 20 years, only Sandy Koufax in 1966 (27-9, 1.73, 317), Bob Gibson in 1968 (22-9, 1.12, 268) and Ron Guidry in 1976 (25-3, 1.74, 248) have had seasons comparable to Gooden's. Gooden is 20 years old. Is he publicly traded, and can I buy some?
Who's next for Michael Spinks -- Billy Martin or Leon? If it's Leon, who will do color on the fight? Not Ferdie Pacheco; he's the fight doctor. Get the fight dentist.
And speaking of Billy (Lefty) Martin, as Mike Lupica of the New York Daily News asked, "Is it too late to nominate Ed (Thunderfeet) Whitson for a Nobel Prize?"
Which do they like more in the Pittsburgh locker room, new coke or classic?
During spring training, if there had been a poll asking you to predict the leading candidates for the National League MVP award, how many of you would've said Willie McGee and Tommy Herr?
What ever happened to Marcus Dupree?
Just how cold is it in Toronto in late October?
How about last year's surprise division winners? Sparky Anderson said the Tigers were a great team. The John Birch Society said the Padres were a great team. And every political columnist who ever tried on a pair of wingtips said (again and again) that the Chicago Cubs were on a mission from God. Where are they now? Fourth place, fourth place and fifth place. Any farther out, they'd need passports.
After the Redskins were vacuumed in Dallas, Joe Theismann said one reason the team was flat was because it had too much time to prepare for the Cowboys. Six days later, after the Redskins unwrapped their gift win over Houston, Joe Gibbs implied the Redskins' performance might have had something to do with the short work week. After the Redskins were dolorous against Philadelphia, John Riggins said the team might have been psychologically victimized because it had too easy a time winning four straight exhibition games. If the Redskins lose to the Bears, what's left to blame it on? The bossa nova?