The Kansas City Chiefs select Raymond Brooks, defensive back from Arkansas. Now, with the next pick in the first round: the Washington Redskins.
Mr. Commissioner, the Washington Redskins choose Arthur McDivitt, 6 feet 3, 235 pounds, linebacker from the University of Thuggsboro.
Arthur McDivitt? Coach, we don't seem to have his records up here.
Maybe they're under his nickname: "Norman Bates."
Did he play last year?
Not exactly. He was academically ineligible at U-Thugg.
When was the last time he was eligible?
That would be ninth grade. He's had some academic difficulties, but when we brought him to camp he tested very well intelligence-wise. He's very bright. He majored in criminology of sorts.
Well, Mr. Commissioner, he spent time doing involuntary field research at a variety of penal institutions. But parole officers have assured us that he's no longer a threat to the general public, and we hope to harness his aggressiveness constructively.
Excuse me for a second, Coach, I've just been given a file on Mr. McDivitt, a "rap sheet," I believe some would call it. I see here that he has been charged frequently with DWB. What exactly is DWB?
Driving While Blindfolded.
What is the arrest procedure in DWB?
They pull you over and ask you to get out of the car and walk on the dotted white line. Because of the blindfold, he couldn't see the white line. We think his DWBs have been blown out of proportion. We've talked about it, and it looks to us like one of those little background quirks that some people have.
It says here, on one of those DWB occasions he tried to bribe the arresting officer into letting him go?
Yes, but we don't take that charge seriously.
The alleged bribe was a whoopee cushion.
What's this about a drug charge?
There was an allegation of possession of a controlled substance with intent to sell, but the pharmacologist familiar with the case assures us the substance in question was sneezing powder. What a sense of humor, huh? If I might digress for a moment, another example of his sense of humor is how he addresses people. It's not "Coach," or "Sir," it's always, "Your Honor." Force of habit, I guess.
And the indecent exposure?
A one-night deal, Mr. Commissioner, he just got caught up in something. The lawyers tell us that nothing at all would have been said if the flagpole hadn't broken and the mayor's car hadn't overturned and burned.
There certainly seem to be a lot of questions about this young man.
He's a character, all right.
Aren't you concerned about drafting someone like this?
With all due respect, Mr. Commissioner, we're trying to put a football team together here, not a Girl Scout troop. Loosen up, Petey baby, you're too tight. We're aware of most -- or at least some -- of what he's done. It seems like every one of these things was just a separate situation.
Biting the heads off live chickens at a frat mixer?
He minored in zoology.
Putting explosives in the faculty tower?
As we understand it that was a chemical engineering experiment. There is some question as to the quality of supervision.
Arthur maintains that was independent study for a creative business course he was taking.
Assaulting a brigade of motorcycle policemen during a July 4 celebration?
A misunderstanding, Mr. Commissioner. Arthur saw men in helmets and had an instinctive reaction. He's since stopped going to parades.
Slapping a plumber, an electrician and the telephone repairman in the face during service calls?
You know how it is with domestic disputes. Our view is that it's a personal matter and no comments are necessary at this time.
So you still want to draft him No. 1?
Yes, sir. We feel he's the best athlete available. We've arranged it so he can come to minicamp on a work release. We think we've got a real sleeper here, and we can use a sleeper now that Riggo is gone.
I just hope that you take sufficient precaution to monitor his behavior.
We're doing just that. We plan to hire Judge Wapner as an assistant coach.
You know, of course, that the local media will be all over you.
We do. But we're confident the facts will speak for themselves. Admittedly, Arthur is a little exuberant and his behavior has been, shall we say, excessive in the past. But the doctors have prescribed mood stabilizers for him to take off the field. We've had the chance to visit with him, and we've come to know a different young man than is described there in that yellow sheet. And, if you know what I mean, Mr. Commissioner, he can flat hit.