I have no problem with a Rams-Titans Super Bowl. So both franchises moved? Everybody in this country moves. So both teams are owned by rich folks who do bad things to other people? America was built on the backs of rich folks who do bad things to other people. So St. Louis and Nashville aren't worldly enough to deserve an NFL title? Oh, like East Rutherford, N.J., and Irving, Tex., are the new Athens.
Anyway, you've got questions; we've got answers. So--as is our usual custom this time of year--let's address the most compelling inquiries about the Super Bowl:
Q. How surprising is the Rams' success?
A. The Rams winning the Super Bowl one season after going 4-12 would be like Charlie Sheen winning an Oscar one year after making "Major League 2."
Q. Do you like the Titans?
A. Sure. Jeff Fisher's a swell coach and Steve McNair's a tough fella and Frank Wycheck's a Maryland guy without a mike. I'm not crazy about the uniforms, though; any outfit that makes Eddie George look slow and dumpy is definitely a Fashion Don't.
Q. What disappoints you most about this Super Bowl?
A. That Tampa Bay's Tony Dungy didn't make it. He wins with class and loses with grace. In this area, three recently deposed coaching icons--Mike Ditka, Bill Parcells and Jimmy Johnson--could've learned a lot from Dungy.
Q. Anything special to look for during Super Bowl XXXIV?
A. For those of you in the Atlanta area for the game, please note that, rather than the usual blimp hovering over the Georgia Dome, you may see a spaceship.
A. Didn't you hear about the UFO mystery this month in Millstadt, Ill., near St. Louis? Four police officers reported seeing an extraterrestrial aircraft in the sky. It was there to take Kurt Warner home. (It was just early.)
Q. Can you recall another overnight sensation in the NFL as sensational as this Kurt Warner?
A. And as if his life wasn't charmed enough, Warner bought AOL at 7 1/2.
Q. The Rams quarterback adamantly thanked the Lord after the NFC title game. Does He really take sides?
A. On the seventh day, He rested. From the best I can tell, ever since then God directly intervenes in sporting contests. Speaking of which, I am reminded of the time Jesus walked on water, but replay said his feet were out of bounds.
Q. You're not going to go off on instant replay again, are you?
A. Hmm. Let's see--last week in the NFC title game, replay did the following: 1. It caused a 6 1/2-minute delay between snaps in the final quarter. 2. It interrupted Tampa Bay's momentum on a potential game-winning drive and drained a lot of the drama of a terrific, last-minute finish. 3. And it made the wrong call, effectively ending Tampa Bay's comeback bid. Heck, I hope the IRS uses replay the next time I'm called in for a tax audit.
Q. Any suggestions regarding the Chris Berman-hosted Super Bowl pregame show on ABC?
A. If you are wealthy enough and bilingual enough, I strongly urge you to go buy a satellite dish and pick up any foreign-language broadcast that you can.
Q. Is it true that if you test-drive an Oldsmobile, you can get an autographed Boomer Esiason football?
A. Looks like I'll be driving my '83 Plymouth Horizon well into the 21st century.
Q. What exactly is your beef with Boomer Esiason?
A. Esiason talks about quarterbacking like Einstein talks about relativity. And this from a guy whose W-L record is closer to Jeff George than John Elway.
Q. Isn't he getting better?
A. Both Boomer and I are trying to overcome our University of Maryland educations. Frankly, I think I'm doing a better job then he is, but then again, I didn't go to any classes.
Q. There had been talk that ABC was going to add another broadcaster for the Super Bowl. True?
A. No. Trying to improve the Al Michaels-Boomer Esiason team by putting a third man in the booth would be like trying to save a troubled marriage by having a baby.
Q. Incidentally, what is The Man's domestic situation during the Super Bowl?
A. As a courtesy, My Wife Of The Moment, Rhonda, has agreed not to speak to me during the game; rather, during commercial breaks, she will pass me notes of discontent.
Q. Would you happen to know, off the top of your head, all the prime numbers between 950 and 1,000?
A. Uh, 953, 967, 971, 977, 983, 991 and, I believe, 997.
Q. What's a good thing to eat while watching the Super Bowl telecast?
A. Emeril, schmeril--keep it simple. I'm going with a peanut butter-and-jelly sandwich, an Orange Crush and a Klondike bar.
Q. So, who exactly does The Man like in Super Bowl XXXIV?
A. This game comes down to tangibles vs. intangibles. Tennessee's tough, but St. Louis was No. 1 in the NFL this season in tangibles and No. 3 league-wide in intangibles. So take the Rams, who are seven-point favorites. And after they win, alien MVP Kurt Warner will exclaim, "I'm going to Lunar Disney World!"
Last week: 1-1.
Season record: 117-127-10.