Our first question today comes from M. Schottenheimer, who writes, "Hey, Washington, how's that Fun 'n' Gun offense working out?"
It's actually been more like Slim 'n' None. The most surprising aspect of Steve Spurrier's first year isn't that the Redskins are losing -- it's that the Redskins have looked boring while losing. The passes that were there in Osaka aren't here now. (Maybe they're 12 hours behind and they'll be here soon.) As someone who predicted Spurrier would go through each of his quarterbacks at least twice (and then bring in two more quarterbacks and cycle them through the dryer too), going to Danny Wuerffel doesn't bother me. (I especially like the way Wuerffel wears one glove like Michael Jackson. What's he gonna do next, dangle The Danny over the railing at Redskins Park?)
This whole season is more or less of a physic anyway; Spurrier has to flush all the Florida guys out of his system. But I thought the offense would be more electric -- like Halle Berry who's running at 1,000 kilowatts in that new Bond movie. I thought the ball would be flying all over the place, even if it meant there'd be 90-yard interception returns against it. Now all the ball does is flutter and fall. Heck, if I wanted to see that I'd sit in my yard and watch leaves drop.
The offense needs some pizazz. Earlier this week Spurrier mused about playing Wuerffel one half against St. Louis, and playing Patrick Ramsey one half. "Can I do that?" Spurrier asked. Of course, you can. Too many NFL coaches shackle themselves to one player; Mike Martz intended to hand the ball to Kurt Warner come hell or high water, even though Marc Bulger had the greatest first five games in NFL history. Who in his right mind would bench Bulger? Spurrier talks about "pitching and catching" all the time. So go the distance and act like a baseball manager. Shift your lineup around. Play hunches. Give Wuerffel some plays, then give Ramsey some plays. What's the worst that will happen? That Bill Maas will be critical, hahaha?
Our next question comes from B. Selig, who writes, "I know I've said that Washington is a legitimate candidate for a baseball team. And as you know, no one loves the game more than I do. But right now I just think it's better to have the Montreal Expos play 22 games in lovely Puerto Rico next season. Why isn't anyone giving me any credit for a great idea?"
Oh, it's a swell idea. Who did Puerto Rico beat out, Malta? Where you gonna send the Expos next year, Yemen?
Nobody goes to Puerto Rico in the summer, Bud. Does the phrase "en fuego" mean anything to you? Vladimir Guerrero will be frying eggs on his forehead in the outfield. That homestand in September, that's right in the middle of hurricane season. You going to have a "Nail Yourself to Your Seat" Night? Whatever else is wrong with Montreal, it certainly isn't its climate in the summer.
Seriously, Bud, we know nobody loves the game more than you -- you've said that so many times we're no longer looking for the string on the back of your head -- but why is it so important to keep the Expos out of the continental United States? Man, oh, man, how far has Washington fallen back in the race for a baseball team? Who are we behind now, those floating oil cities in the North Sea?
Our next question comes from a D.C. resident, who writes, "I have this recurrent dream in which I'm not actually dead, I'm just sort of in a coma waiting for the Caps to score a goal. But I end up in the D.C. morgue anyway, even though I have a pulse. You don't think anything like that could actually happen, do you?"
It's not supposed to. I mean, not with Jagr and Bondra.
Our next question comes from B. Valentine, who says, "Not that I'm bitter, but I saw where Mike Piazza met with the Pope in the Vatican and gave him a Mets jersey. Piazza had a private audience. Do you have any idea what the Pontiff said to Piazza?"
Actually, he said two things: 1) "Agghh, you should have whacked Clemens." And 2) "Where did Valentine get that stupid fake mustache? He looked like Father Guido Sarducci."
Our next question comes from M. Jordan, who asks, "Is it too late to get a bet down on The Breeders' Cup Pick Six?"
Memo to Jeremy Shockey's marketing agent, who said Shockey could be "the Anna Kournikova of the NFL": Is that really what you want? A client who never wins a championship, is always taking his clothes off and dates hockey players?
Our next question comes from T. Finchem, who writes, "Of course, you understand that the PGA Tour has no jurisdiction whatsoever over the Masters or over the membership practices of Augusta National. They don't consult with us on anything; they don't even ask us if we like the color green they use on the jackets. We're just golfers. And, hey, aren't those azaleas lovely? Now that we understand each other, can you please get Martha Burk to remove her hands from my throat?"
Now? When she's pitching a no-hitter? Oh, no, she's not going away. Ha! She's the worst thing to happen to men's golf since Jack Nicklaus started wearing plaid pants.
Our last question comes from A. Gore, who writes, "I just happen to have an opening in my schedule if you'd like to interview me. Everybody else has. I've poured out my heart to Barbara Walters, Katie Couric and that girl who came in second on 'The Bachelor.' Now I'm working my way down the newspaper food chain to the sports columnists. I'm here for you. What would you like to ask me?"
Can you play quarterback?