To: Tiger Woods, Future Husband
From: Couch Slouch, Former Husband
Re: Life, Career and Husbandry
Dump her. I mean, you have a chance to rewrite the record books, and you're thinking of getting hitched? To a blonde bombshell from Sweden? Did you see Michelangelo cruising singles bars when he was painting the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel? No. Because he kept his eye on the prize.
Don't you remember what happened to Roy Hobbs when he ran into the wrong babe in "The Natural"? In 2003, you hooked up with this Elin Nordegren. In 2003, the winners of golf's majors were Mike Weir, Jim Furyk, Ben Curtis and Shaun Micheel. Shaun Micheel! For goodness sakes, the man doesn't even know how to spell either of his names correctly and he's beating you in majors.
Then, in April, you tied for 22nd in the Masters, your worst finish there since you turned pro. You finished behind a 19-year-old amateur, Casey Wittenberg, who I guarantee you is not engaged or married or, if he knows what's good for him, even spoken for.
In back-to-back tournaments last month, you had the second-round lead and didn't win. You had won 18 straight times in which you had the lead after 36 holes, and now you're spitting the bit like Smarty Jones coming down the stretch at Belmont?
This week you're going to the U.S. Open, where you have no chance. It's the dame -- sweet girl, nice face, full of personality, but, Tiger, Tiger, Tiger, in the game of life, she's a fairway bunker.
Everyone says your swing is all messed up. They insist you need to start listening again to Butch Harmon and stop listening to Mark O'Meara. Fiddlesticks. Your crooked tee shots have nothing to do with mechanics. The problem is, at the top of your backswing, you're thinking: "Did I leave the cap off the toothpaste again this morning? Elin's going to kill me!"
And now you're engaged to this dame? Dump her.
Trust me, Tiger -- you're just one bad marriage away from being Eldrick.
Didn't you watch Chris Rock's latest HBO special? The final 15 minutes were on men and women; if you had seen it, it would've been enough to scare you out of heterosexuality. Like Michael Corleone's bodyguard told him in "The Godfather": "In Sicily, women are more dangerous than shotguns." Or as the late, great Alan King once said: "If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to buy two separate books." Oh, sure, Jack Nicklaus told you to get married. Yeah, it worked for him, but his wife wasn't showing up in nude photo spreads on the Internet.
How many marriages work anyway, Tiger? Ozzie and Harriet. That's about it.
Even in a good marriage, you're dead. Anyone hear from David Arquette since he pledged to Courteney Cox? No. The kid had some acting chops, now he's spackling on weekends. And way back when there was the incomparable Grace Kelly, who got married, became a princess or something and never made another movie.
Are you entirely unfamiliar with Henry VIII? He had the tools to be one of the great monarchs of all time. But he married his brother's widow, Catherine of Aragon, then wanted to divorce her to marry Anne Boleyn, but the church wouldn't grant him an annulment, then he was finally allowed to marry Anne, then he grew tired of Anne and had her executed for adultery, then he married Jane Seymour, who bore him a son but died in childbirth, so then -- on Thomas Cromwell's insistence -- he married Anne of Cleves, but he couldn't stand her, divorced her in a London minute and had Cromwell beheaded, then he married Catherine Howard, but had her beheaded for infidelity, so then he married Catherine Parr, who somehow survived him.
Check the scorecard, Tiger -- that's six wives, one annulment, one divorce and several trips to the guillotine. And, believe you me, his work and his golf game suffered.
I haven't had much luck, either. Lose the dame.
Ask The Slouch
Q. It's been rumored that your ex-wives will soon be joining you on a special episode of "Survivor." Do you expect to be the first off the island? (Rich Buchanan; Fairview Park, Ohio)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.
Q. The Tampa Bay Lightning were understandably concerned that someone might walk on the logo in their locker room. So why did they put it on the floor? (Steve Doerr; Sarasota, Fla.)
A. Pay this man too, Shirley.
Q. Does the Gross National Product have anything to do with you? (Paul Larkin; East Sandwich, Mass.)
A. Shirley? Shirley?
Q. Who is Shirley and what does she do besides "pay the man"? (Terry Ford; Houston)
A. Shirley is a trusted member of The Slouch's staff ; however, we zealously protect her privacy and do not discuss her role with the public or the media.
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