Titans 25, Ravens 10
Ironically nicknamed Kyle "Pro" Boller wasn't healthy enough to lend this affair his delightful brand of ineptitude, so Jamal Lewis took it upon himself to stumble around blindly. Way to pick up the slack, Jamal!
Bengals 37, Vikings 8
It would be too easy to say Daunte Culpepper misses Randy Moss. So I'll say Daunte Culpepper really misses Randy Moss. Actually, with eight picks in two games, the Vikings QB would do well to focus on just missing defensive backs.
Buccaneers 19, Bills 3
Another game for Tampa Bay rookie Carnell "Cadillac" Williams, another haul of Escalade-size stats.
Colts 10, Jaguars 3
Courageous effort from Byron Leftwich but not the refs, who simply ignored Jimmy Smith getting shoved to the ground on the game's last play. Look, guys, I wouldn't want to spend a minute longer in Indianapolis than I had to, either, but throw the flag!
Panthers 27, Patriots 17
Kudos to the Panthers' defense, which shrugged off last week's season-ending injury to Kris Jenkins and season-opening loss at home by stuffing New England's ground game.
Steelers 27, Texans 7
Ben Roethlisberger improves to 15-0 as a starter in the regular season. Ladies, there is a perfect quarterback in the NFL, and his name is not Tom Brady.
Eagles 42, 49ers 3
Terrell Owens is a big, dumb jerk. And a poopyhead. He's also a tremendous wide receiver who, since he joined the Eagles, has helped Donovan McNabb post all-Milky Way numbers. In other news, Daunte Culpepper really, really misses Randy Moss.
Rams 17, Cardinals 12
If coffee is for closers, the Cards should be left to slurp packets of nondairy creamer after having four trips to the red zone result in only three field goals.
Seahawks 21, Falcons 18
Matt Hasselbeck showed Michael Vick what real NFL quarterbacking looks like, throwing the ball all over the field while rushing for only nine yards. Vick, in return, could be seen on the sideline waving to Hasselbeck and pointing to his full head of hair. Petty, really.
Jets 17, Dolphins 7
There's no love lost when these two teams play. However, they both seemed to have misplaced the game films of their rousing battles in the '80s, which featured, you know, offense.
Browns 26, Packers 24
Something old, something new, Brett Favre throws for 300 yards, and . . . Trent Dilfer, too? Help me out here: What rhymes with "The Packers' defense is flat-out awful"?
Broncos 20, Chargers 17
Before Kyle "Pro" Boller came along, Ron "Great" Dayne was the undisputed king of ironically nicknamed NFLers. But, at least for one day, Dayne becomes a major contributor. These are dark days for irony, my friends.
Bears 38, Lions 6
It's clear now the Redskins have one of the greatest defenses ever, considering how it held in check Chicago's juggernaut attack. In other news, Joey Harrington, who was picked off five times, baffled the media by admitting that he, too, misses Randy Moss.
Chiefs 23, Raiders 17
The Raiders' lack of discipline proved their undoing. That is about as surprising a statement as "Yanni's attempt at a death metal album was poorly received."
-- Desmond Bieler