Lions 35, Ravens 17
This just in: Three Ravens were flagged for encroachment on the Lions' postgame spread. Seriously, though, 21 penalties and two ejections? Now we see why Baltimore's Deion Sanders was let go as host of "the New American Sportsman" -- he clearly has no idea how to promote sportsmanlike behavior.
Bills 20, Dolphins 14
Miami did its best Baltimore impression, going on the road and piling up an absurd number of penalties, turning over the ball a bunch of times and letting a heretofore struggling offense look competent. Of course, the Dolphins get to go home and hang out in South Beach, while the Ravens return to, uh, The Block?
Patriots 31, Falcons 28
Well, whaddya know, a sterling performance from Tom Brady and a game-winning kick by Adam Vinatieri. In other news, the sun rose in the East, a dog barked at a mailman and the Braves lost in the playoffs.
Packers 52, Saints 3
All right, it seemed pretty unlikely that Brett Favre would let the Packers slide to 0-5, but this is ridiculous. I haven't seen a contest this lopsided since, well, a minute ago, in an ad for that Pacino-McConaughey flick.
Seahawks 37, Rams 31
And when it was over, the team that was forced to play without its wide receivers defeated the team that chooses to play without its running backs.
Jets 14, Buccaneers 12
So Vinny Testaverde goes from watching football on his couch two weeks ago to handing Tampa Bay its first loss. Hey, I've been watching football on my couch since the dawn of time. Put me in, coach!
Broncos 21, Redskins 19
Finally, Washington knows what it feels like to lose a close one. Now that that's out of the way, the team can get on with the business of losing by much wider margins.
Browns 20, Bears 10
An anagram for "Dilfer": "Rifled." Nearly, but significantly not an anagram for "Trent": "Inert."
Titans 34, Texans 20
Nice to see Steve McNair join Warren Moon as franchise members in the NFL's 25,000 passing yards club. Even nicer to see a sentence with the words "NFL" and "Moon" that doesn't involve Randy Moss.
Colts 28, 49ers 3
On one side, two-time MVP Peyton Manning. On the other side, jittery rookie Alex Smith. Never mind Pacino-McConaughey, this contest was about as even as Pacino vs. that "Kiss my bumper!" guy from the Senate Auto Insurance ads.
Panthers 24, Cardinals 20
Sure, it looks bad that Arizona let a 10-point lead slip away in the fourth quarter. But to be fair, Carolina was at the 1-yard line when that period began. And to be even more fair, Arizona just ain't very good.
Cowboys 33, Eagles 10
Further evidence that Bill Parcells has never really been as smashmouth a coach as his reputation would have it. Although even in his least smashmouth moments, Parcells has always been more smashmouth than the band Smashmouth.
Jaguars 23, Bengals 20
Cincinnati wide receiver T.J. Houshmandzadeh was forced to sit out this game because of a hand injury. Interestingly, you can't spell "Houshmandzadeh" without "hand." You also need about 30 more letters.
-- Desmond Bieler