Did you see the item late last week about that guy in Oklahoma City who was supposed to get a 30-year prison stretch for robbery and shooting with intent to kill? But the Rhodes scholar in question, one Eric James Torpy, instead requested a 33-year sentence -- to match Larry Bird's number with the Celtics. Yeah, he took a three-year add-on. (Who was his lawyer, Jackie Chiles?)
"He said if he was going to go down, he was going to go down in Larry Bird's jersey," said Oklahoma County District Judge Ray Elliott.
My first thought was: Lucky for this dope he wasn't a Wayne Gretzky fan.
I didn't know you could request a prison sentence to match your favorite athlete, like it was some sort of prize package for winning the Brent Musberger drinking game. I didn't know we had entered the PIN-number era of incarceration, where you punch in the numbers of the years you want to serve. Perhaps this is leading to the Vanna White era of incarceration, in which you spin the wheel of fortune to determine how long you're in the pokey. But as long as you're going to play the Bird game, my friend Cindy said Mr. Torpy should have asked for the Robert Parish Special.
I wonder how Bird feels knowing that this imbecile is such a big fan. Is Bird supposed to send him a cake with a file in it? Or break him out of prison like they're on a Fox show? (Darn. What is the name of that show again?)
What happens next? Is this guy going to try to swap his orange jumpsuit for a green Bird No. 33 jersey? Will he put Bird on his approved list of visitors? (Bird and the cast of "My Name Is Earl," I'll bet.)
More important, you might ask: Is this justice?
Of course not. Justice wore 23 with the Braves and 28 with the Yankees.