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Tiny Fey, Amy Poehler and Maya Rudolph gave the hostless Oscars a kinda-sorta monologue

Maya Rudolph, left, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler provided the closest thing to a host monologue the 91st annual Academy Awards could muster, with some very host-worthy one-liners. (Kevin Winter/Getty Images)
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Although there were some conspiracy theories this week about whether ABC would surprise everyone with a host for the Oscars (Whoopi Goldberg?), those ideas turned out to be incorrect. In case you forgot, after the Kevin Hart debacle — in which the comedian stepped down over the controversy surrounding his past homophobic tweets and jokes — the film academy decided the telecast would be hostless for the first time in 30 years.

Indeed, there was no host to kick off the festivities. Instead, following a performance by Queen and Adam Lambert, actresses Tina Fey, Amy Poehler and Maya Rudolph arrived to present the best supporting actress category. They turned their presentation into a bit of a mini-monologue.

Oscars 2019: Complete coverage of the show, from the winners to the best and worst moments

“Good evening and welcome to the one-millionth Academy Awards. We are not your hosts,” Fey said. “But we’re going to stand here a little too long so that the people who get USA Today tomorrow will think that we hosted.”

“Just a quick update for everybody in case you’re confused,” Rudolph added. “There is no host tonight. There won’t be a popular movie category. And Mexico is not paying for the wall."

That line got a big round of applause from the crowd. They also poked fun at the academy’s ill-fated idea to present some awards off camera, which provoked so much backlash that executives quickly scrapped the idea.

“We won’t be doing awards during the commercials, but we will be presenting commercials during the awards,” Poehler said. “So if all the winners could please say, ‘Hellman’s mayonnaise: we’re on the side of food,’ instead of your speeches, that would be great.”

The 2019 Academy Awards featured a series of surprising twists. Here are the moments that stole the show. (Video: Taylor Turner/The Washington Post)

Then, the trio rattled off some rapid-fire jokes that would have made the cut if they were really hosting:

Fey: “Buster Scruggs! I hardly know her.”

Maya: “Hey, Chadwick Boseman, Wakanda plans do you have later?”

Poehler: “These Spanx are so tight they’ve entered my spider-verse.”

Rudolph: “I’m Sam Elliott from Sam Elliott Mustache Wax.”

Fey: “'Roma' is on Netflix! What’s next, my microwave makes a movie?”

Rudolph: “And don’t worry, Bradley, after four kids, I, too, have peed myself at the Grammys.”

Fey: “Now everyone, look under your seats. You’re all getting one of those cheese sandwiches from the Fyre Festival!”

They wrapped it up as they announced the category, which was won by Regina King for “If Beale Street Could Talk.”

“We’re here to present the award for outstanding supporting actress,” Poehler said. “Although, in my experience, all actresses are outstanding supporting actresses because women naturally support each other. For example, I support both of you financially.”

From Spike Lee's first Oscar to "Black Panther," the 91st Academy Awards broke new ground in several categories. (Video: Erin Patrick O'Connor/The Washington Post)

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The academy tried to make the Oscars exciting. Instead, they made a mess.

After more than 30 years, Spike Lee is finally getting his Oscar moment

‘Roma’ made Yalitza Aparicio a star. Now she’s giving a voice to her indigenous fans.

Five things that should happen at this year’s Oscars

This Oscars season has been a mess. Thankfully, we have Glenn Close.

The Oscars always get it wrong. Here are the real best pictures of the past 43 years.