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Style Invitational Week 1484: Two ways about it — double-entendres

What sentence can you say both at the gym and at the hairstylist? Etc. Plus fake meanings for odd words.

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Click here to skip down to the winning fake definitions of obscure words

Something you might say at the gym AND at the hairstylist: “Look how much I can curl!”

Something you might say in elementary school AND at the hairstylist: “WHAT are you doing with those scissors?”

Something that might be said in elementary school AND at the Jan. 6 committee hearings: "And if he asked you to jump off the bridge, would you do that too?”

Here’s another run of a double-entendre contest we did in 2019, with all new categories except for an encore of “at the hairstylist” and that ever-popular “in bed.” This week: What’s something (printable) you could say in two — or more — of these situations:

●In bed
● In elementary school
●At a religious service
● At a gas station
● At the gym
● At the hairstylist
● To a telemarketer
● On a hike
● During a Supreme Court session
● To the Jan. 6 committee

Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1484 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, April 25; results appear May 15 in print, May 12 online. Please see either the entry form or The Style Conversational (published late Thursday, April 14) to see how to format your entries.

Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a vintage My Cup Punneth Over mug, one of our nicest runner-up prizes ever, one of 144 that were made in 2011. This particular one was regifted by Loser Howard Walderman (he’s decluttering), who’d snared it for his third-place bank headline in Week 987. As with all our Loser mugs, this hefty 15-ouncer was designed by Our Own Bob Staake. (Who did the “curl” joke above, by the way.)

Other runners-up win their choice of our “For Best Results, Pour Into Top End” Loser Mug or our “Whole Fools” Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our new lusted-after Loser magnets, “A Small Jester of Appreciation” or “Close, but Ceci N’est Pas un Cigare.” First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviteFAQ. The headline “Jokabulary” is by Jon Gearhart; Kevin Dopart wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; “like” the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter.

The Style Conversational: The Empress’s weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week’s, published late Thursday, April 14, at wapo.st/conv1484.

Jokabulary: Old words, fake meanings

In Week 1480 the Empress once again dug up some obscure words at random from the Oxford English Dictionary and asked the Loser Community to totally make up definitions for them. Too many people to name said that “rantipole” was used for the Festivus “Airing of Grievances,” that “stoach” was a stomach that’s had bypass surgery, that “sweven” followed “swix" and that “Galligaskins” was a possible name for what eventually became the Commanders — at least they could still be nicknamed the Skins.

4th place:

Anglewitch (actually fishing bait): A homemade doll hung in Scandinavian bathrooms, traditionally believed to bring improved aim to males in the family. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

3rd place:

Eftersoons (soon after): Illusory upcoming time periods in which people will “hang out,” “do lunch” or “get the kids together.” (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.)

2nd place

and the electronic “easy” button:

Wayzgoose (a printers’ festival): The 12-mile GPS detour around a traffic backup that cleared up in two minutes. (Allan Zackowitz, Brookeville, Md.)

And the winner of the Clowning Achievement:

Lushburg (antique coin from Luxembourg): A village so full of drunks, they have a Town Teetotaler. (Frank Mann, Washington)

N’OED: Honorable mentions

Agonistarch (trainer for ancient athletic games): That piece of bagel that gets stuck halfway down your gullet. “Gaack, I need a glass of water; I have an agonistarch!” (Jenny Epel Muller, Cold Spring, N.Y., a First Offender)

Agonistarch: What laundries put on dress shirt collars because neckties aren’t uncomfortable enough. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.; Diane Lucitt, Ellicott City, Md.)

Agruw (to shudder in horror): To quarrel when inebriated. “How come every time I come home at 2 a.m. we get into an agruwment?” (Byron Miller, Cobble Hill, B.C.)

Anglewitch: Picasso’s Halloween costume. (Frank Mann)

Batie-bummil (a lazy fellow, a fool): An Elizabethan term for a spanking. “Hearken, churl; mind thy comportment, else thou shalt endure a most grievous batie-bummil!” (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

Battologist (one who keeps repeating oneself needlessly): One who considers himself a military expert. “My parents sent me away to military school, so now I’m a better battologist than any general alive. None of them will even play Risk with me, I’m so good.” (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.)

Bawrel (a kind of hawk): To take out a loan in the Deep South. (Frank Mann)

Chekkelbone (wrist): The rib that gets nudged after a bad joke. (Pia Palamidessi, Cumberland, Md.)

Cotty (entangled, matted): A sleep-in outhouse. “I booked Joe Manchin’s cotty in West Virginia for just $25 a night — found it on Darebnb.” (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

Cotty: The gist of many a one-star mattress review. (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.)

Dartre (a skin disease): To escape a conversation that’s turning into a monologue on existentialist philosophy. (Coleman Glenn, Huntingdon Valley, Pa.)

Doob (a type of grass): Unit of tempo in a Sinatra song: “Frank sang ‘Strangers in the Night’ at 67 doobs per minute.” (Steve Bremner, Philadelphia)

Epithymy (lust): A sudden realization that you should have been way more concise. “As she was completing Page 982 of her romance novel, she had a flash of epithymy.” (Beverley Sharp)

Fankle (to entangle): To annoy a team’s followers. “You’ve renamed the WFT what? Oh, that’s gonna fankle.” (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Fankle: To go to your team’s away game and irritate the home crowd. “Those Eagles people sure know how to fankle the season-ticket holders at FedEx — no wonder they’re the only ones left in the fourth quarter.” (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.)

Fankle: An air-conditioned sock, high-tech sportswear still in beta: “The smell wafting from Jim’s fankles cleared the theater.” (Frank Osen)

Fistmeal (the width of a fist): What Chris Rock and Will Smith went out for after the Oscars. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

Fladge (a broad piece of something): An Old Glory pin worn to display self-proclaimed patriotism. “CPAC requires conference attendees to wear their fladges at all times.” (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)

Fladge: Sludge from Florida. “DeSantis is as slimy as Okeechobee fladge.” (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis)

Galp (to gape or yawn): Exclamation often heard at the top of the double black diamond run on Mont Blanc. (J. Larry Schott, West Plains, Mo.)

Hardhaw (a plant): Veer sharply. “He hardhawed into the trashcans at high speed to avoid Mrs. Glare’s evil eye.” (Brett Dimaio, Cumberland, Md.)

Hardhaw: A laugh that could shatter plexiglass. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.)

Impanate (contained in bread): To insert a bedpan under a patient. Besides humiliation, this adds a $700 line item to your hospital bill. (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

Impanate: To reshape a cartoon character’s head with a skillet. “Oof, Popeye got impanated bad – good thing his head popped back into place 10 seconds later.” (Milo Sauer, Fairfax, Va.)

Jusson (pertaining to commands): The period right before a deadline. “When did he turn in that paper?” “Jusson time!” (Duncan Stevens)

Jusson: Rearranging. “I caught my son jusson himself 20 or 30 times last week.” (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

Knowperts (a plant): Doctors who are experts on throat infections. A rare word that means the same when spelled backwards. (William Verkuilen, Brooklyn Park, Minn.; Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

Knowperts: Commentators who say, “I’m no expert, but…” meaning, “There is no doubt in my mind that …” or “Why should that stop me?” (Coleman Glenn)

Limbeck (a distilling apparatus): Conspiracy claptrap inspired by right-wing radio hosts. “Her texts to Mark Meadows were rife with limbeck.” (Jeff Rackow, Bethesda, Md.)

Lurdan (a sluggard): Competition among neighboring jurisdictions that involves offering millions of taxpayer dollars to a billionaire and his crappy football team. (Marty Gold, Arlington, Va.)

Lushburg (an old coin): A neighborhood of heavy drinkers who live within stumbling distance of one another. (Leslie Atkin, Kensington, Md., a First Offender)

Lushburg: A tiny principality that produces the most wine per capita in the world, but doesn’t export any. (Ira Allen, Bethesda)

Lushburg: A wealthy neighborhood known for its expensive landscaping. “I thought it would be nice and quiet when I moved to the lushburg, but all I hear are leaf blowers from dawn to dusk!” (Hannah Seidel, Alexandria, Va.)

Lushburg: Where life is easy. “Pemmican Point, Alaska, ain’t exactly Lushburg.” (Jonathan Jensen)

Mesonoxian (relating to midnight): Smelling only moderately gross. “After waiting in line for an hour to see the corpse flower at the Botanic Garden, Helen was disappointed that the promised stench was only mesonoxian.” (Hannah Seidel)

Mesonoxian: This miracle supplement will prevent middle age — and old age as well! — Dr. Oz (Dottie Gray, Alexandria, Va.)

Rantipole (a wild, reckless person): A baton passed from speaker to speaker in group therapy. “Don, please, possession of the rantipole means you may speak. It doesn’t mean you can whack Frank.” (Bird Waring)

Sprauchle (move clumsily): The second-person masculine past imperative form of whatever it was Zarathustra did. (Lynda Hoover, Shepherdstown, W.Va.)

Stoach (to trample): Ryanair’s new ticket class where you can fly half-price by stuffing yourself into an overhead bin. (Donald Norum, Charlottesville, Va.; Ryan Martinez, Takoma Park, Md.)

Sweven (a dream or vision): A bad answer to “Just how many drinks have you had?” (Daniel Galef, Tallahassee, Fla.)

Truandal (beggars): A valid fact, dismissed. “That vaccines save lives may be truandal, but I’m sticking to my horse paste.” (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

Trypall (a lanky person): A casket-shopping event. “I stopped by the funeral home’s trypall for a test rest.” (Brett Dimaio)

Wayzgoose: GPS enhancement that pinches you in the butt when you make a wrong turn. (Fred Shuback, Silver Spring, Md.)

Wayzgoose: Someone who blindly follows the GPS. “When Siri said to turn right, the wayzgoose drove off the bridge.” (Bird Waring; Sam Mertens)

And Last: Cag-mag (inferior meat): The “Crappy Alternative Gift” Loser magnet. (Beverley Sharp)

And Even Laster: Hardhaw: A joke that is so complex it’s not funny, just tedious: “I can’t believe she didn’t run my foal name – it works on seven different levels! Well, I suppose it could be a bit of a hardhaw to those with inferior minds.” (Hannah Seidel)

Still running — deadline Monday night, April 18: Our big annual foal-name wordplay contest. See wapo.st/invite1483.

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