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Style Invitational Week 1513: You’re such a card

Write a greeting-card-style rhyme for a NON-greeting-card occasion. Plus winning combo-movies.

Click here to skip down to the combined one-word movie titles

So they’re putting your house on TV
On that show that so many will see!
Though we’re not sure congrats are in order,
Since the neighbors will know you’re a hoarder.

This week’s contest comes at the suggestion of Loser Extraordinaire Duncan Stevens, who’s lately been tidying up the 1,512-row Master Contest List at the Losers’ website, NRARS.org, fine-tuning the descriptions of all Style Invitational contests since Week 1 in 1993 (complete with links to all their texts). Duncan thought it’d be fun to redo Week 509 (2003): Come up with a greeting card rhyme for an un-greeting-card occasion. The occasions getting ink 19 years ago included having plastic surgery, getting a subpoena, having a Hummer booted and being traded to the Wizards.

Duncan’s idea was heartily endorsed by “lonnnnngtime Hallmark freelancer” Bob Staake, who offers (to us, not to Hallmark) the sentiments and cartoon above.

Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1513 (no capitals in the web address). Deadline is Monday night, Nov. 14; results appear Dec. 4 in print, Dec. 1 online.

Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a pair of adorable tiny earrings with little toilet paper rolls hanging down. It’s up to you whether to wear them with the “paper” hanging in front or behind. Donated by Loser Cheryl Denney White.

Other runners-up win their choice of our “For Best Results, Pour Into Top End” Loser Mug or our “Whole Fools” Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, “A Small Jester of Appreciation” or “Close, but Ceci N’est Pas un Cigare.” First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviteFAQ. The headline “Smush Hits” is by Kevin Dopart; Jesse Frankovich wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; follow Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter.

The Style Conversational: The Empress’s weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week’s at wapo.st/conv1513; the E shares the results of the 2003 contest, plus some astonishingly edgy “greeting cards” from 2006.

Smush hits from Week 1509: Combining 1-word movie titles

In Week 1509, we asked you to combine two one-word movie titles to make a new movie. Many of the 2,200 entries were as painfully obvious as a Lifetime special (“Traffic Misery”: Following the Beltway at rush hour) but we can’t show you 2,200 entries anyway. Just this much better selection.

4th place:

Gaslight Harvey: People try to convince a giant rabbit that he’s crazy when he insists that Jimmy Stewart is following him around. (Hildy Zampella, Vienna, Va.)

3rd place:

Madagascar Rent: In this documentary, D.C. area workers go farther and farther afield in search of affordable housing. (Hannah Seidel, Arlington, Va.)

2nd place

and the 1972 lissome-ladies license plate frame:

Philadelphia Alien: Dr. Oz goes to a Flyers game wearing a Devils jersey. (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.)

And the winner of the Clowning Achievement:

Parasite Boyhood: In Pixar’s latest, Tommy Tapeworm and his buddies search for the perfect hosts — and end up finding themselves. (Terri Berg Smith, Rockville, Md.)

Rated har: Honorable mentions

1984 Bananas: Carmen Miranda wears her most outrageous hat ever. (Roy Ashley, Washington)

Booksmart Rocky: “Greetings and Salutations, Adrian!” (Karen Lambert)

8½ Goodfellas: As climate change causes water to recede in the New Jersey Meadowlands, police make some gruesome discoveries. (Mark Turco, McLean, Va.)

Manhattan Eraserhead: A New York real estate magnate rises to a top government post and wipes classified stamps from documents just by thinking about them. (Joy Rains, Bethesda, Md.)

Big, Titanic: A dazzling insight leads Peter Roget to his life’s work — and to immortality. (Elliott Shevin, Efrat, West Bank)

Cinderella Goodfellas: “Yo, princess, you want me to take care of those stepsisters for you?” (Holly Rexrode, Waldorf, Md., a First Offender)

Clueless in Manhattan: “How very kind of that young man to squeegee-clean my car window!” (Karen Lambert)

Philadelphia Surprise: On one day in October, Eagles fans fail to boo even the opposing team. (Dave Airozo, Silver Spring, Md.)

Sounder Aliens: Finally, a rational political party arrives on the scene. Millions of Americans ask to be taken to their leader. (Les Finster, Washington, who got his only other blot of Invite ink in Week 408, 2001)

Spartacus? Nope!: One Thracian rebel missed the memo, and lived happily ever after. (Donald Norum, Charlottesville, Va.)

Speed Atonement: An auctioneer-turned-rabbi officiates at a Yom Kippur service, giving a new meaning to “fast day.” (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Suddenly Clueless: A dad discovers what it’s like when his child becomes a teenager. (Steve Shapiro, Alexandria, Va.)

Superbad Armageddon: Alexander’s Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day gets worse. (Christy Tosatto, Asheville, N.C.)

Titanic Meatballs: Out to set the ground-beef record at all costs, a competitive eater finds that his heart won’t go on. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

Trainspotting Joker: An aspiring graffiti artist boosts his street cred by painting polka dots on every subway car in the South Bronx — until Officer Krupke is assigned to the case. (Allan Zackowitz, Brookeville, Md.)

1408 Sneakers: Imelda Marcos takes up basketball. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Airport Gladiator: The weak are filtered out during the rush to fetch luggage from the LAX carousel on Thanksgiving eve. (Linda Wallers, Vancouver, Wash., a First Offender)

Alien Airplane!: Gov. Ron DeSantis comes up with a zany way to spend Floridians’ money. (Ryan Martinez, Takoma Park, Md.)

Babe Armageddon: Aporkalypse now! (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

Bean Picnic: The famous scene in “Blazing Saddles” is now a whole movie! (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.)

Caged Harvey: A Hollywood producer who enjoys showering in front of others gets to do it the rest of his life. (Jon Carter, Fredericksburg, Va.)

Dunkirk Cars: Belgium rounds up all the taxis in the country to evacuate the trapped Allied troops and drive them to Britain — until they realize there’s one problem with their plan … (George Smith, Frederick, Md.)

Election Cry-Baby: In this body-switch story, a toddler trapped in the body of an adult loses a presidency. (Jon Carter)

Flipper Babe: The Little Mermaid has a punky new persona in this Disney remake. (Robert Weiner, Washington, a First Offender)

Frankenstein Footloose: The rampaging monster must slow to a limp in search of an ankle bolt. (Jeff Contompasis; Barbara Turner)

Frozen Avatar: Documentary on the glitch-fraught creation of Mark Zuckerberg’s first metaverse movie. (Jon Grantham, Fairfax, Va.)

Frozen Smile: Elsa and Anna stand to inherit a vast kingdom as long as they pretend to laugh at their father’s lame puns. (Frank Mann, Washington)

Goldfinger Up: Documentary detailing the world’s most expensive prostate exam. (Mike Phillips, Chevy Chase, Md.)

Innocence Nope: A documentary on the findings of the Jan. 6 committee. (Jeff Rackow, Bethesda, Md.)

Interstellar Joker: “I just flew in from Alpha Centauri, and boy, are my arms tired!” (Jonathan Jensen)

Joe Flubber: Biden’s greatest gaffes, Part 1 (3 hrs. 10 mins.) (Mark Raffman)

Maleficent Us: “Despicable Me” goes bigger and nastier. (Arthur O’Dwyer, Irvington, N.Y., a First Offender)

Manhattan Memento: Two tourists at Grand Central Terminal grapple over the only “I ♥ New York” T-shirt on the racks. (Andrew Rosenberg, New York)

Milk Cabaret: “What good is sitting alone in your room? Come try our pure Grade A …” (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

Milk It: A Hollywood studio has to decide whether to wring out yet another sequel out of its franchise, and agonizes over the question for several milliseconds. (Duncan Stevens)

Monster Bridesmaids: Why should the bride be the only Zilla — especially after she made her friends buy these horrible dresses? Revenge awaits. (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.)

Monster M*A*S*H: A Korean War surgeon employs unconventional procedures — notably the neck stitch-and-bolt — to keep soldiers battle-ready. (Dave Letizia, Pinehurst, N.C.)

Moonstruck Tootsie: A down-on-his-luck actor takes a job as a Cher impersonator with one goal in mind — to slap some sense into Nicolas Cage. “Left Behind?” “Bangkok Dangerous?” Come on, Nick, snap out of it!” (Lee Graham, Reston, Va.)

Offspring Eraser: The Herschel Walker story. (Ryan Martinez)

Pi Cheerleader: “3 point 1-4-1-5-9! Look at the scoreboard — who’s behind?” The story of the MIT pep squad. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond)

Pi Gaslight: A promising mathematician is almost driven mad by her jealous husband when he insists there is no such thing as an irrational number. (Irene Plotzker, Wilmington, Del.)

Platoon Twins: Dolly Parton enlists in the army. (Deb Stewart, Damascus, Md.)

Precious Avatar: A recent college graduate tries to explain to his horrified parents why he spent his life savings on a digital image of an ugly ape wearing a beret and sunglasses. (Karen Lambert)

Pulse Sisters: “These ladies have what every man wants in a woman!” (Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.)

Saw Cars: A family of four recounts their exciting vacation up I-95 on Thanksgiving weekend. (Brian Cohen, Winston-Salem, N.C.)

Saw Hair: A barber’s assistant asks for help with a customer whose locks haven’t been washed in recent memory. (Duncan Stevens)

Shampoo Cats: Adventure film about the little-known Thirteenth labor of Hercules. (Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.)

Smile Battleground: He’s about to find out that advising a woman on how she could look so much prettier is a very bad idea. (Pamela Love, Columbia, Md.)

Solo l’Amore: An ex-president finds his only true love. (Sudhir Vasudeva, McLean, Va.)

Soul Trainspotting: Where’s Don Cornelius? Documenting the dance show host’s cameo appearances in dozens of films. (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.)

Suddenly Heidi!: It’s 1968 and the Jets defeat the Raiders … we think. (George Thompson, Springfield, Va.)

Superbad Reds: Wines of the World, Part 23: Chernobyl. (Mark Raffman)

Superbad Witness: “It was a tall blond guy! Or maybe an Asian lady?” (Ryan Martinez)

Thor Loser: A playground bully’s taunts become less threatening when his baby teeth start to fall out. (Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.)

And Last: Superbad Memento: An Invite Loser laments receiving a second-place prize. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich., who’s placed second 19 times)

And Even Laster: Clown Obsession: A Loser leaves his job, family and friends behind as he seeks the top prize in a weekly humor contest. (Neil Kurland, Elkridge, Md.)

And Lastest of All: Nomadland Loser: A scrappy woman living in a rolling box braves intermittent cell service on her primitive iPhone 6s in a quest for ink. (Christy Tosatto, full-time RV nomad, filing for now from Asheville, N.C.)

Still running — deadline Monday night, Nov. 7: Our contest to write something of 26 words, all of which start with different letters. See wapo.st/invite1512.

DON’T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns.

InvisibleInk! Idea:(Duncan Stevens) Examples:(Bob Staake) Title:(Kevin Dopart) Subhead:(Jesse Frankovich) Prize:(Cheryl White) VisibleInk!

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