Though not a big fan of commercial holidays in general, I make an exception for Father’s Day, a brilliant concept that lines up perfectly with my vision of how the world ought to operate. Behold my awesome power! Witness my mastery of the family activity schedule. See me wield the TV remote as if it were a scepter.

Master of all he surveys: Note how nicely it trips off the tongue.

Need to mow it, now that I look at it. And rake the magnolia leaves and figure out why the tomato blossoms aren’t resulting in actual fruit. Kill some vines. Got vines back there that Tarzan could swing from.

Hold on while I start soaking the beans. Will make a jumbo pot to go with the grilled meat that has already marinated for a day. Will strap on the feedbag ... watch some golf... shirk annoying duties... say “Go ask your Mom” about 15 times ... nap up a storm ...

Livin’ the dream!

To all the dads out there, Happy Father’s Day.