FEMA’s earthquake protocol.

Actual earthquake protocol:

 Look around. Ask self what that is. Listen for explosions. Look at co-worker with eyebrows raised. Wonder if co-worker’s doorway-standing is a real thing to do. Cover head with hands. Half-crouch under desk. Feel silly. Wait a few seconds after the shaking stops. Poke head out in hallway. Make eye contact with others doing same. Ask if that was an earthquake. Confirm via co-worker's guesses. Confirm everything in immediate vicinity is okay via one's own guesses. Start laughing a bit at everything anyone says. Joke about quake’s effect on 2012.

Refresh Post homepage.

Try to text. Text unavailable.

Call Mom.

Notice many people are out on the street, having evacuated their buildings. Wonder if they know things. Guess not. Stay in office, refreshing homepage.

Homepage takes a long time to refresh. Make more calls.

Trade wild gossip: aftershocks, damages to buildings, sturdiness of own building. Leave hostile voicemails that people ought to be answering their phones.

Alert Facebook to self’s status. Receive Likes.

Find first quake-related joke in Newsfeed. Like.

Consider self's mortality. Wonder what one should have done. Google “earthquake what to do.”