Like an itch you can’t reach to scratch this lockout has gone on for far too long.
There are certain things I need to know for the sake of my sanity. McNabb? Haynesworth? Is Shanahan serious about John Beck? Will Mr. Allen unleash the Bruce when free agency opens? Does a rolling salary cap gather no Santana Moss?
In lieu of my current dilemma I had to go outside the box to assist, in the only way I know how, to opening back up this lockout: blatant and obvious sarcasm. So without delay, here are my suggestions for the NFL since it can’t figure out what to do with the ever-so-disputed eight billion dollars.
1) Use it to pay the Chinese so we don’t default on our loan payment. The U.S. dollar, China and the NFL all benefit here. Congress can go back to throwing the heat at Roger Clemens.
2) Drop the money from a giant blimp into a stadium filled with the players, owners, and veterans. Owners will be allowed to be in SUVs, due to their smaller numbers, and veterans will be allowed to use tasers due to their age and any physical debilitations. Put the entire event on pay per view TV so at least the fans have something to watch and spend money on. The only real losers here will be the kickers and punters, but then again, how is that any different?
3) Buy steroids for baseball players. Even at Nationals Park attendance is steadily growing due to the absence of football. Maybe another big steroid scandal will stick the knife in the heart of MLB for good and the NFL will sit on top of a bigger mountain. They should wait on that until after Albert Pujols explains how he recovered so quickly.
4) Invest the billions in gold. Dez Bryant loves gold and gold is up. The only thing owners like more than money is more money. The Redskins win double here now that Mr. Snyder can make the new party deck “The Gold Zone”; with the money left over from refurbishing Redskins One of course.
5) Go socialist. Of the remaining disputed cash influx give 25 percent to the veterans, 25 percent to the players, 25 oercent to the owners, and 25 percent to the NFL. It worked for the U.S.S.R. and East Germany.
Regardless of how the NFL and the artist formerly known as the NFLPA resolve this debate (I vote option 2) the most important lesson learned is to lower ticket and merchandise prices considering all this extra money has caused more harm than good.
Is ironic or sad that the owners and players have stopped football to argue about how to divide it’s success? Is it ironic or sad that the fans who make this league successful have no say whatsoever? Fans don’t need a union, but fans do need to stand up for themselves. It’d be pretty cool if the lockout ends and all the seats are empty on opening day, but I think we all know that would never happen. I suppose there are worse things to be addicted to, like crack or the NBA.