The “Jersey Shore” has passed away at the age of 3 years and 6 seasons, a demise that was not unexpected but happened when the MTV reality series was still relatively young. To be fair though, it drank a lot. So it was only a matter of time before its liver gave out.
“Jersey Shore” — whose cancellation was announced by MTV earlier today, as the TV Column reported — died exactly how it didn’t live: quietly, soberly, without leaving behind any human fluids or streaks of spray tan. Honestly, it’s difficult to feel too much deep sorrow about the end of the show that introduced the world to the concept of smushing and creepin’. It had a good life. It expired peacefully. And it went to a better place while surrounded by loved ones, Twitter followers, wealthy MTV executives and all the people who were misguided enough to buy The Situation’s workout DVDs.
Also, the fact is that “Jersey Shore” won’t ever die. Its offspring — otherwise known as the spin-offs “Snooki & JWOWW” and “The Pauly D Project,” not to mention the sixth season of the show, which hasn’t even begun to air yet — will live on in its memory, as well as in the desire for all of its cast members to eke as much money as possible out of this pop cultural phenomenon.
Still, we really should take a moment to give the modern equivalent of “The Waltons” a proper farewell. Please, light your candles and join me in saying adieu via a poem inspired by Margaret Wise Brown’s classic “Goodnight Moon.”
Good night, “Jersey Shore” and the smell of body spray as cologne.
Good night, Vinny jumping out of the beach house alone.
Good night, fake tans. Good night, duck phone.
Good night, Deena and Team Meatball.
Good night, DTF and good night GTL.
Good night Snooki/Sitch drama
Good night Ron-Ron Juice and trips to Karma.
Good night room of smush.
Good night to that drunk lady shouting “@#!&.”
Good night to Snooki’s UTIs.
Good night to Ronnie’s endless lies.
Good night Seaside Heights stars and crashing Italian cars.
Good night, all you Guidos, everywhere.