Personally, I’m a lover not a fighter. But there was so much head-butting going on in the entertainment media sphere this week that it only seemed appropriate to catalogue the conflicts when coming up with a Friday list. And following that, the next most appropriate thing involved creating a survey that asks you — the readers of this blog — to select the one that you found most compelling.
I’m pretty sure most of you will vote TomKat even though the Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes divorce was technically settled on Monday. But let’s proceed with this exercise anyway, so you can scan my obviously uber-important rundown of the five biggest celeb-related conflicts of the week, then vote in the uber-uber-important poll that follows.
1. Tom Cruise vs. Katie Holmes (Also: Tom Cruise’s attorney vs. the National Enquirer)
The Cruise/Holmes divorce that rocked this nation to its very epicenter was settled on Monday. That was supposed to be the end of it. And in terms of the public finding out legitimate, clearly true information about what happened in the marriage and split, that probably was the end of it. Nevertheless, the days that followed have continued to spit out more related details, including ones about the stealth manner in which Holmes pursued her divorce filing and items about Cruise attorney Bert Fields threatening to sue the National Enquirer. (He and representatives from the Church of Scientology also sent letters to NBC’s “Rock Center” after they ran a damning Cruise/Holmes-related piece on the church Thursday night.) So everything’s settled? Yes, but also sorta no.
2. Daniel Tosh vs. everyone
The comedian and host of Comedy Central’s “Tosh.0” got into some trouble after the Internet found out that he made an unfunny rape-related joke during a set at the Laugh Factory. A woman who was the focus of the joke got upset, she Tumbld about it, then everyone got mad at Tosh, who then apologized, but that apology didn’t quite cut it, and then everyone talked about when it’s okay to make a joke about rape, and the conclusion was sometimes, but only if it’s funny. As noted in today’s morning mix, Lindy West sums it up pretty perfectly at Jezebel. You could also just take her advice if you want to read more: “google ‘UUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH’ and click on whatever.”
The interview that showed the world what happens when a man acquitted of murder — and who also thinks he’s a “mutation, or subspecies” — appears on a talk show and really doesn’t want to talk about what happened more than a decade ago, when his wife got murdered.
4. Justin Bieber vs. the paparazzi and moms who have hearing problems
Today marks the one-week anniversary of that time Bieber was speeding to escape the paparazzi and got a ticket. I assume you’re all commemorating the moment the same way that 911 operator did when Bieber called, as instructed, to report that he was still being followed by the paps: by googling Fisker. (Feel free to do that right after you google UUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH.)
If that wasn’t enough, Bieber also got “hassled” by an Oregon woman who has sued him for making his fans scream so loud during a 2010 concert that her hearing has been permanently impaired. Surely she should have known that a symptom of Bieber fever is Bieber ear ache?
5. Crazy Nicolas Cage vs. e-mail attachments
If we all learned just one lesson this week, it’s this: Nicolas Cage does not want you to be employed. Because he wants to hog not only all the movie roles, but all the jobs period, for himself. That’s the only explanation for how his face ended up in a job application where it clearly did not belong. (Well, that explanation and also the real one.) Fortunately, Vanessa Hojda — whose name has now become synonymous with Cage’s — looks poised to emerge triumphant from the whole Cage-related resume-attachment mistake episode because she’s now famous. And as well all learned in grade school, fame and solid employment go hand-in-hand.
Okay, time to vote: which of these conflicts was most riveting?