The high-drama cliffhanger we saw from the previous episode of “Jersey Shore” — in which we knew that the tension between Mike “The Situation” Sorrentiono and Ronnie Ortiz-Magro is about to boil over into a physical altercation — begins with a blatant lie on Mike’s end: “Ron, I don’t get involved in your relationship!”
(In an excellent use of the dramatic irony “Jersey Shore” is known for, we viewers know this isn’t true because Mike has been telling Ronnie’s girlfriend, Sammi “Sweatheart” Giancola, that Ronnie is calling girls left and right behind her back.) But before Ron can even throw a punch, Mike strangely slams his own head against a wall and crumples. He has apparently concussed himself, but that’s not enough to keep him from lunging toward Ronnie.
Enter a couple of burly security guards and the fight ends, leaving a group of sniveling roommates in its wake and a self-injured Mike on the way to the Emergency Room.
Did we mention these people are all millionaires?
Anyway, not to be outdone, the girls quickly squabble over the distance Sam needs to take from Ron.
“You need to walk away and leave this guy alone, because you’re the reason he’s getting so amped up,” Jenni “J-Woww” Farley says in a docu-interview while Sammi loudly squabbles to herself in the living area.
A few hours later, Ron recognizes what we’ve all been able to see for roughly the past two years: “Me and Sam can’t be together. It’s not healthy right now.”
So, for now — not because it’s healthy, but because Ron confesses he’s been talking to other girls — it looks like the couple is off again. Feeling aimless, Ron tries to pack his muscle milk and jewelry and depart Florence, but Vinny Guadagnino talks him down from the ledge.
“Go to bed, bro,” Vinny says, “We’re in Italy.”
As Ron attempts to find clarity during a workout session, Mike’s back in the house after several hours of observation by an Italian medical crew. He and Ron attempt a lopsided reconciliation but aren’t saying much to each other.
“For the next couple of days I can’t GTL,” Mike says, neckbrace on, in a docu-interview. “I’m disappointed.”
(Also let’s state, for the record, that while we’re not normally ones to feel sympathy for someone who refers to himself as “The Situation,” our cold, dead hearts melt at the sight of Mike, in a neckbrace and sunglasses, crying alone in his bedroom.)
To say the rest of the roommates are frustrated with this volatile relationship is an understatement.
“What comes to mind when I think of Ronnie and Sam is me throwing up,” Pauly D says. “I can’t stand it anymore.”
It's true; things only seem to be getting worse. In a nod to season three drama, Ron begins throwing Sam’s belongings out of his room. But all signs show he's not completely over her yet: When he has the chance to smooch a strange woman in the club, he instead opts to leave and drunkenly bring Sam a bouquet of post-club roses. Great. It looks like we're in for this grenade of a relationship for at least another season.
How long will it take for Ron and Sam to be “on” again? Tell us in the comments below or by using #Snookinalysis on Twitter.