Did Snooki smush Vinny?
That’s the question as the latest episode of “Jersey Shore” dawns on a frazzled Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi. For the first time since birth, Snooki’s up at the crack of dawn seeking consolation from best friend Jenni “J Woww” Farley. Because not only does she have a possible current indiscretion with Vinny Guadagnino to worry about, but a possible past indiscretion with Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino continues to rear its overly-gelled head.
If you haven’t been following, here’s the tired back story that won’t go away: Mike keeps hinting that Snooki hooked up with him once upon a time. Snooki denies it.
“I hate you,” Snooki whispers over her shoulder at Mike as she and Jenni head out to get mimosas.
Bad move. Mike immediately hops on the phone to call a mysterious friend, the amazingly named the Unit — supposedly a witness during the alleged hook-up — for confirmation. Then Mike digs up Snooki’s boyfriend Jionni’s phone number, just in case either of the two decide to inform him of Snooki’s cheating ways. And then Mike hatches a harebrained scheme: He tells roommate Ron Ortiz-Magro that he’s already given Jionni’s phone number to the Unit and that the Unit is going to call Snooki’s boyfriend and tell him she’s a cheater.
This is a blatant lie designed to suss out the group’s gossips, and Mike doesn’t have to wait long; Ron immediately leaks to his girlfriend, Sammi “Sweetheart” Giancola.
“Gym, tan, drama today,” Mike says to himself. Because, as usual, none of the roommates are paying any attention to what he says.
Meanwhile, Snooki is gallivanting down the streets of Florence, drinking, harassing nuns and purchasing what looks like a three-gallon bottle of Chianti, which she promptly drops and lets shatter all over a cobblestone street.
“This isn’t real life,” Snooki tells the camera in a docu-style interview. “This is like a video game to me.” (Suddenly the image of a Pac-Man that looks like Snooki simply will not go away.)
But as quickly as this magical interlude begins, it ends when the girls come home from their day-long drinking jaunt. Presumably because she has no current relationship drama of her own to deal with, Sam notifies Snooki of Mike’s plot and soon Snooki is throwing drinks, champagne bottles, furniture and whatever else she can find at Mike.
This is as good of a time as any for the girls to embark on a wine-tasting tour in Tuscany. Because clearly what they need is more alcohol. The guys, for their part, fly to visit Vinny’s family on a ranch in Sicily.
“Four guidos in the woods?” Ron asks the camera. “I don’t know about that.”
Vinny’s humongous family greet the guys with open arms and a huge dinner, and we hit unexpected comedic gold when members of Vinny’s brood take turns kicking soccer balls wildly at Mike as he’s hunched against a brick wall.
Meanwhile, the girls tour an ancient, haunted winery and the crazy immediately begins. As the winery guide tries to explain the wine, Snooki belches and rolls her eyes at the table. Clearly, she just wants to talk about Vinny, the Situation, Jionni and whoever else may have wrecked her life. Essentially, the girls tell her to move on from Jionni.
If you loved him, you wouldn’t have done that with Vinny, Jenni says to Snooki. The honesty is enough to earn Jenni a demotion from Best Friend status. But never fear — after some loud shrieking at the winery, the pair once again patches up their shaky relationship when they arrive back in Florence.
Snooki’s sense of calm is extremely short-lived, because her dad informs her over the phone that Jionni’s Facebook status is now back to single. The episode ends with Snooki confessing her dalliance to Jionni over the phone. She tells Jionni that she and Vinny did not have sex. The confession doesn’t appear to be enough to repair the romance, but suddenly Jionni decides to give her another chance. (And wouldn’t you? The girl’s a millionaire.)
But wait! Just when you think things are good, Vinny notifies Snooki that they, in fact, did have sex. And the episode ends with Snooki placing an update phone call to Jionni.
Oy. What’s going to happen? Is Jionni going to be so forgiving once the real truth is revealed? Tell us in the comments below or by using #Snookinalysis on Twitter.