The latest episode of “Jersey Shore” opens with Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi mourning the abrupt departure of her visiting boyfriend, Jionni, after she got a little too wild during a night at the club.
“To fly all the way to Florence and just, like, leave me,” Snooki complains to the camera in a docu-style interview, “it’s just, like, really?”
Snooki’s relationship with Jionni isn’t the only thing that needs mending; roommate Jenni “J-Woww” Farley is also miffed by one-half-of-Team-Meatball’s alcohol-fueled misbehavior. For Snooki, the only sensible solution to all this stress is to binge drink by herself in a bar in the middle of the day, dance alone and confide in total strangers.
Which, inevitably leads to Snooki drunk dialing her own father -- presumably a new low — and J-Woww, out of either empathy or pity, dropping her grudge. The two make up and turn their attention to locating Jionni, who they think is on a train somewhere between Florence and Rome. Turns out he’s only a few streets over, and the two tiny lovers reunite, but only briefly -- his mom booked him an earlier flight home.
The roommates quickly invest their energy into putting our pint-sized heroine back into action, and within mere hours, it seems, Snooki is poofed-up and out at the club again. While Snooki is busy getting hyper-aggressive with strangers on the dance floor, an obviously intoxicated Deena Cortese confesses to J-Woww that she might be pregnant. An exasperated J-Woww -- “Can I get a normal night?” -- agrees to leave the club with Deena to purchase a pregnancy test.
(I think I can speak for every single “Jersey Shore” viewer when I say literally no one is surprised when it turns out Deena is not with child. She should probably find out why she’s feeling dizzy every day, though.)
Cut to Snooki, who is now back to arguing with her boyfriend over the phone about her drunken antics, namely, how she likes to lift up her skirt and expose herself at clubs while the other roommates sit and watch. When the conversation gets heated, Snooki decides she needs a break. Yearning for a bit of home, she suggests the roommates pretend they’re at a popular Seaside Heights bar when, in fact, they’re in their Florence living room.
Confronted with all of the leopard print, sunglasses and strobe lights, we’re finally given the first truly endearing glimpse of the cast this season -- we’re reminded that they’re just a bunch of silly Jersey kids longing for the tacky comforts of home.
But as if on cue, the scene starts to get weird again when Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino begins to swoop in on a vulnerable Snooki.
“I can take care of her better than anyone else can,” The Situation remarks to the roommates. They’re nonplussed. He decides to push further, asking Snooki to confess to hooking up with him in California. (If you’re not familiar with this storyline, it’s clearly one producers quite possibly invented and have been trying to push since this season’s first episode.)
When that doesn’t work, the ever-classy Situation graphically describes this possibly imaginary hookup to the rest of the roommates and the rest of the world, because what’s a quality episode if this guy isn’t aggravating everyone else in the house? Snooki’s not that worried, however; she ends up possibly smushing Vinny Guadagnino.
Well, what’s next? Is Snooki’s relationship over for good? Can we finally get rid of the tired Snooki-Situation storyline once and for all? Tell us in the comments below or by using #Snookinalysis on Twitter.