I don’t really understand the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show.

Well, I understand it. It’s an annual televised piece of sexist nonsense that allows men to ogle half-naked winged models in a socially acceptable context that’s absolutely in keeping with the spirit of the holiday season.

I get it.

But if you shove that aside for a moment and look at images from this year’s Cleavage-tacular, which took place in New York on Wednesday night and will air on CBS in December, the whole thing strongly resembles a bizarre, Bieber-filled, Dr. Seussian nightmare with a parade of leftover sexy Halloween costumes. Granted, it’s a potentially arousing Bieber-filled Dr. Seussian nightmare with a parade of leftover sexy Halloween costumes. But still. Look at this picture. I mean . . . whozzle whuzzle?

(Timothy A. Clary/AFP/Getty Images)

And the images only get weirder. Here are just a few, which I’m sharing despite my principled opposition to this blatant attempt to titillate. It’s my duty, because Rihanna, Justin Bieber and Bruno Mars were there. Therefore: human interest story.

Here’s the Biebs, apparently demonstrating the way most men watch this event. There is no point in saying “Eyes up here!” or even asking why this model is dressed as Sexy Woody from “Toy Story,” unless you enjoy engaging in futile, losing battles.

Wait, I’m sorry. That Sexy Woody comment was a sexist statement. She’s obviously Sexy Jessie.

(Jamie McCarthy/Getty Images)


Bieber loves his fans, so much that he decided to borrow the bedroom set from a 10-year-old fan and use it as his set.

(Jamie McCarthy/Getty Images)


I have no idea what Rihanna is doing here. But I like it.

(Bryan Bedder/Getty Images for Swarovski Eleme)


Do you know how much doper Harry Potter would have looked if Rihanna would have just loaned him these glasses?

(Evan Agostini/Invision/AP)


Wow. I can’t believe it. This chick stole my Sexy Hamburglar costume.

(Evan Agostini/Invision/AP)


Mars and his band jockey for position beneath the world’s largest sun hat.

(Evan Agostini/Invision/AP)


Don’t tell me that the “fashions” worn in this “show” are not practical. This one is in­cred­ibly comfortable to sleep in, not to mention versatile enough to take today’s working woman from the bedroom to the Sexy Boardroom. You know about the Sexy Boardroom, right? It’s where People magazine editors gather to decide on this.

(Carlo Allegri/Reuters)


It’s gratifying to know that the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show does not mix seductive women with imagery evocative of young girls. I feel much better about this event now.

(Bryan Bedder/Getty Images for Swarovski Eleme)


This picture says that this has been a huge, provocative success. And also: Bieber still refuses to move his eyes up here.

(Evan Agostini/invision/AP)